Hope- what is it?

Today I had one of those days where I felt on top of the world. My life is great!!!

Happy children, wonderful hubby, summer, Christmas. I think this is my favourite time of year.

As I strolled around the shops trying to put a dent in the Christmas shopping and cover the upcoming birthdays too (we still have kid's birthdays- two in December and one in January). I realised how happy I am.

This morning I pulled a Grace card and I got Mirror. At lunch time, I stood in the health food shop and listened to the shop assistant's story of her last child's birth and her three month stay in hospital. I shared snippets of my story but let her tell hers.

'We had no help, it was just me and my husband,'she told me,'We just made our way through it.He had to deal with the other three kids while I was away.'

'I told the doctors,' she said,'After all this I am not going to be asleep and I made them give me an epidural so I could see my baby be born.'

Seventeen years ago she was one of the first to have an epidural Cesarean.

As I walked away I realised the word hope had not been mentioned. The lady in the shop had got on with it and believed it would be alright in the end. The words hope and baby don't seem to go together.

It struck me the similarity in our stories and the word mirror came back to me. It reminded me of our last house where I had a sticker which read "Choose Hope" stuck on the mirror of the bedroom. Frank and I had many a chat about the sticker and what it meant. We came to the conclusion that faith or belief would be a better word as hope sounded like it lacked confidence.

It is belief, faith, possibly even a knowing that keeps you going. Hoping isn't going to get you there when it is real strength you are looking for.

So what is hope? Does hope contain a lack of belief?

I know when I was told by someone that they believed everything was going to turn out fine, I believed them. I felt strengthen by the words.

Whenever someone said they hoped everything would be okay, I was always left wondering if it would be.

Hope.
I am so glad I didn't choose it last year.

Believe and have faith.

Cathryn

Community

Recently I had a conversation with a group of friends. The topic may seem strange but we were discussing what we would do if our partners died. When you have children it is something that crosses your mind every now and then. Amazingly, most of us said we would remain in The Valley with the kids on our own. Before last year I would not have said this, now I do. I know that the community around me would support me through thick and thin. I know what real communities do for each other.

I am not a 'group' type of person. I have a few close friends and many acquaintances. I traditionally have never 'belonged' to anything other than a gym.

Last year when my life hit crisis point, my family and I were in desperate need of help. Like most daughters I called upon my Mum who willing offered to help us whatever way she could. I figured this would be all the help we would get.

Of course the hospitalisation was the crisis. We decided we would muddle through and take it as it came. After only a few days we kept receiving persistent requests from a group of friends wanting to help us. They approached Frank and my Mum and a plan was hatched.

Slowly but surely a roster was built, volunteer after volunteer put up their hand to help. I asked if they realised what they were planning to do and how long they'd be doing it. The reply was relax all will be fine, don't worry we will do it.

Sitting in hospital I watched it unfold. This group of women took charge.Each time when my Mum went home for some much needed rest for a week or two, the roster ladies took control.

In the morning a lady would arrive and gather up the mountain of washing and take it home. In the evening she'd return with the laundry washed, dried and folded plus a freshly cooked dinner for my family as well.

Frank would tell me stories of how these women went out of their way to help us. A couple of times some put us first before their own families and needs.

I wondered how I would repay these ladies who had helped us at the time. On the roster were women I barely knew.

As I sat in my city hospital I knew if we lived there it would never have happened. My city visitors were struggling to just to visit me. Yet our community here in The Valley rallied around us and carried us through until I returned home. Tirelessly helping and never complaining.

The most beautiful part was there was only thank you was required. I am not indebted to my community, I do not need to repay but merely pay it forward. I know we were truly blessed by our community.

When I look outside my world and see and hear of other's lives and stories I know this is not always the case. On the Internet in the many connecting places where communities are formed, I find families struggling at their times of need. With cyber space as the only support.

Yes, we were truly blessed on the community help part of our side trip. I believe we should all pitch in when we can, even if it is a tiny little thing you find you can do, it will always be remembered.

That is what a community is all about.

Merry Christmas to all,

Cathryn xo

G'DAY!

I'm blogging today! You've heard heaps from Mum so I thought I'd say hello today. I want to tell you a bit about me.

Yes, I was a bit of surprise for Mum and Dad, but I knew they'd love me so I came along anyway. I made sure they knew I was coming from the word go. Where I choose to land in Mum's womb was not ideal so I dug in and made myself comfy. Putting Mum in hospital for such along time wasn't the plan but that is how it happened. I think it ended with more positives than negatives.

Being welcomed to my family has been fabulous! The boys and Harmony love me and would do anything for me. I just need to cry and whine a bit ;)

I am lucky as I have no health issues that other premmies suffer from. My best friend she is an amazing girl too. She was born even younger than me. We love to hang out and watch our mums chat.

What do I love to do? I love to eat as you can see from my photo. I love the outdoors and will sneak out of the house any chance I get. I constantly say hello to people. I surprise people in the shops. They are always friendly back and I think we should say hello to each other more. I love laughing too. I get a real chuckle up and if you tickle my ribs I squeal in delight.

I'm pretty clever as I can climb things real easy. The other day I climbed up onto the toilet seat to play in the hand basin. It was fun playing in the water. Mum was happy the lid was down and I didn't fall in. She worries too much sometimes.

I have started to walk more now. I get real excited and I don't fall over too much. I finally worked out my knees were getting too sore from crawling.

My Dad is too cool. He was great last year looking after everyone. Dad uses words like love, blessings and forgiveness all the time. But when he talks about Mum he says she's his rock? I don't know what that is about.

I do know I am lucky to have them as my Bless-ed parents.

I asked Mum, Dad, the boys and Harms what words described me and this is what they said.

Cute, nice, fun, independent, cheeky, determined, resilient, clever, demanding, funny, cautious, jealous, loving, alert, penetrating presence.

I'm glad they only had mostly nice things to say!

Well, that is about it for today. I'll come back and tell you some more soon.

Nice to meet you all,

XO TIA

Bed Rested-The Reverse Premmie

Most premature babies spend time in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) or the Special Care Nursery (SCN) for days, weeks, or even months. But sometimes it is the mother who does the long hospital stay. I call it Reverse Premmie as I was the one who was months in hospital on bed rest. 'Resting' trying to keep Tia safe inside for as long as possible.

At the start with my admittance to hospital at 19 weeks it was to give her a chance for a life. Then from 24 weeks 'resting' in hospital was to keep Tia from the micro premmie world. Finally, we aimed for 34 weeks gestation where health concerns and problems would be a lower risk if born at or after this time.

Tia and I were lucky. We made it to the premature stage of 34 weeks with me having 'rested' for three and a half months before she was born. This did not mean that all went smoothly after Tia's birth as Tia had to be admitted to the NICU for breathing problems then a further 2 weeks in the SCN to establish breastfeeding and for her to manage some weight gain but this outcome is far better than the 19 week outcome.

Today I am blogging to Fight For Premmies but for me it is more than this. Today I think of not only the tiny babies struggling for life and good health in the NICUs but I am also thinking of the mums on bed rest. The mums 'resting' to give their child an extra week, day, hour or even a minute inside their womb- the most natural incubator in the world.

I have included an excerpt from my book.It is still a little unpolished but I wanted to share it with you.

14/03/08

Three days in and what a bumpy ride. The first 2 days were endless phone calls and text messages.

The first afternoon I couldn't stop. I couldn't keep still. I was trying to sit around and read magazines like this happens everyday but I would get to the last page and not recall a word I had read. My first night was pure hell. Noisy bright room, I woke up with every noise. I wrote lists for Frank, my Mum, and my kids.

I wrote my boys and Harmony a letter. How do you tell them you aren't coming home for months? I told them that I love them and to be good for whoever is looking after them. What more could I say?

I took forever to get undressed and into pyjamas, and even longer to unpack my bags. A midwife came into my room, nearly tripping over my bags. She asked me if I wanted her to unpack them.

“No, I will,” I told her, “when I am ready. When I am no longer in denial.”

The next day I had the most shocking headache. There were concerns that it was the medication but I think it was stress. I could barely move my head. My neck and shoulders seized up. It is probably from the sudden lack of use. The physio came and worked on it for me and showed me stretches to do to loosen it up. I also have a nice heat pack to help. So the headaches are gone. I think maybe the medication was a small part of the problem but my body has adjusted now.

I am struggling with tiredness and having naps throughout the day. It could be a way of coping- if I just go to sleep when I wake up I may not be here anymore. Unfortunately when the fatigue goes I know the boredom is going to set in and boredom is going to be hard to beat.

My thoughts are scary. Keeping my mind off what may happen and making your thoughts about what you want and believe will happen is a tough job in itself. You can't admit to yourself that you are scared- you have to believe everything is going to turn out perfect.

My kids are struggling. Jenson is reaching out, Caelen has crumbled and I don't know about Mac, he hasn't reacted yet. Harmony just tells people that Mummy is gone.

It is so crazy. I don't want to be here alone. It kills me when I speak to them on the phone. Tears and tears on both ends of the line. I will see them on Sunday. The last time I saw them I said I would come home as I kissed them goodbye at the school gate. I promised I’d come home and I didn't. When I see them this time I will be saying the goodbye, asking them to be strong and stay safe.

I don't think I can do it.



Here in Australia as in many countries the major hospitals with the NICUs are in the larger cities so this often means mothers and babies are separated from their loved ones, families and their support networks for days, weeks and months. For me, my bed rest meant I was hundreds of kilometres away from my family. Prematurity affects so many people on so many levels.

If it wasn't for modern science and bed rest Tia and I would not be here today. I knew my Bless-ed Baby would be early. I know why she came early. So many mothers don't know it is going to happen and never know why. We need to support organisations so they can keep researching and find the answers to why these babies are born to have to fight for life. Lets work together to make more people aware of the premmie babies, their families, friends and communities. As they should not be facing this alone.

Support March of Dimes or the leading premmie foundation in your country.

Bless-ed Bed Rest Mums and your Bless-ed Babies you are in my thoughts today and everyday.

Thank you for reading this on Fight For Premmies Day.

Cathryn

Little Pieces of Me

This is a photo of some of my current favourite trinkets which I have decided to share with you.

My butterfly necklace was a gift from my best friend for my last birthday. She choose it as she knows how much butterflies mean to me. The week before I conceived Tia I went to a butterfly sanctuary and I have been mesmerized by them ever since. I asked so many questions on the guided tour I was offered a job! I spent two hours quietly watching the butterflies glide and swoop effortless around their enclosure. When I was in hospital I'd watched the butterflies outside my window. Some days they were the only company I had.

The other day I was walking up our drive watching the butterflies, thinking about this and how at times during my hospital stay I felt like I was in a chrysalis and that when I returned to the world I would start a new life. The words I'd recently read by Nathaniel Hawthorne came to my mind.

'Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you sit down quietly, may alight upon you'

I wondered if I should sit down by our creek to watch the butterflies dance in the cool and quiet when my ipod's battery died as if in answer. I sat and reflected for awhile then headed home.

Continuing up the hill with butterfly still flitting around me I wondered if I had become a butterfly after last year. With that thought I looked down on the ground and there on the road were two little butterfly wings waiting just for me.

My Blessed bracelet I bought in Sitka, Alaska. I wear it every day and have had to repair it twice.Once when it was broken it had been waiting for a couple of weeks to be fixed. Out of the blue I felt my arm wondering where it was.I had not really missed it before then. I had been in a lull with my book and proposal and suddenly I needed my bracelet back on. I got it out and fixed it. Within hours of wearing it again my thoughts were flowing with my book and ideas. My bracelet is my reminder of where I have been, where I am going and what I would love to achieve.

My little pieces of me are sitting on my note book. Here I write my thoughts and ideas. It is an amazing book as more than once I have opened it and found I have already written the words I am needing.

On the back of my note book are the words 'It is here where she must begin to tell her story.....'

My story is about sharing little pieces of me.


Cathryn

Looking for Inspiration

I have been thinking about inspiration.It has been on my mind for a few days now. Of course my Bless-ed baby, her sister and brothers inspire me beyond words. They are the light of my life. My husband Frank is inspirational with his never ending love and support.

Premmie babies are inspiring!They are the essence of true human spirit. These tiny babies come into the world before their time and most have the fight of their lives before it is meant to have started.

In the US it is March of Dimes Fight for Premmies Month and here in Australia one of the biggest Premature Babies Organisations 'Miracle Babies' is having National Awareness month.

So this month I ask you to think of our premmie and unwell babies. I have joined Bloggers Unite and on November 17th I will be blogging to create one voice for the Fight for Premmies and to raise awareness around the world.

Please support me by reading my blog on the 17th.

Thanks,

Cathryn

Bless-ed Baby: The Want, The Wait and The Will

My poor neglected blog :( I do not know what happened for the month of October. Did October even exist? It flew pass in a blink of an eye.

I was very busy with school and family holidays and of course my Bless-ed Baby book proposal. My book is now off on its own adventure at the publishers. I have to wait until the beginning of December to find out what our fate will be.

So for your patience I will let you have a sneak peek. My book is called Bless-ed Baby: The Want, The Wait and The Will. It is written in 3 parts as I found that at different stages I was learning and experiencing different things. I am sharing with you the intro for Part 2: The Wait. I trust you'll enjoy it!

PART TWO: THE WAIT

The light falls softly across my room. It is always soft as it is a South facing window and no direct sunlight ever reaches the room. The walls of the room are muted grey and mauve because of the lack of light the room is always dull. The trees swaying in the breeze outside the window are the only constant movement to be seen. I play the radio or turn on the TV otherwise the only sound would be my breathing and the hum of air conditioning.

Outside my room in the corridor I can hear how busy it is. The swishing of staff’s footsteps as they go about their jobs. The click clack of a crib as a new mother pushes her new born along to the nursery. The hushed tones of staff and mothers passing outside my door is overridden at visiting time. Loud voices and excited chat is all I can hear. Groups of happy people going to welcome a new soul to the world pass by my door. I hear the soft thudding of a child running up the hall. Mummy, mummy I hear the child squeal. I sit and watch the door. I watch the door waiting. Will there be any visitors for me?

I am sitting all alone in the hospital. Separated from all of which is familiar and all of which is family. I sit and try not to think of my family. I try not to focus on them. My heart aches if I give them too much thought. I have abandoned them. No mother wants to leave her children uncared for. But I have no choice. I have to believe a grandmother and a community can replace me.

I am facing the unknown. I do not know how it will end and I do not know how I will do it. I do know though you are another bless-ed child of mine and I will try my best for you.

As I lie in hospital feeling your movements inside of me, I know for now you are safe. The longer you remain cocooned in there the safer you will be.

So I sit here and wait for visitors. I wait for each day to pass. I wait for each week to end. I wait on the sidelines of my life as my life continues on without me.

I sit here and wait.

I wait for you.