Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago today I sat in my OB's office being told that I only had 2-3 weeks before I would probably deliver my baby.

This is normally pretty exciting news to be told when you're pregnant especially if you're 37 weeks pregnant. It isn't exciting news to be told when you're only just over 19 weeks pregnant.

I watch the boom gate come down on my life. I was admitted into hospital that afternoon to try and add as many hours, days and weeks as I could onto my pregnancy.

I was on strict bed rest and was to stay in hospital until my baby was born.

At some stage on my first afternoon in hospital I recalled after the birth of my fourth child I'd needed to purchase shields for feeding. To do this I had to go the Special Care Nursery (SCN). The SCN is an off limits area only parents of admitted babies are allowed in. It is not an area that you can waltz into. I stood at the door of the SCN waiting for someone to notice me.

It was busy in there. Two midwives helped the NETS team (they transport preterm and sick babies to other hospitals)work on a tiny baby. I was mesmerized watching them. I openly gawked as I watch all they were doing from my distant position at the door.

Finally, I was noticed and sent quickly on my way with my shields in hand. As I walked slowly down the corridor and back to my room I thanked God that the baby was not my baby. I thanked God none of my babies had ever been in the SCN. I thank God for the beautiful healthy children I had.

Two years ago today, I sat in hospital remembering the scene. I prayed to God. This time I asked him to let it be me.

Please let that be the outcome for me I prayed. Please let my baby be born at an age that the doctors and nurses can help her. Please give me have a few more weeks of pregnancy because if I don't make it to 24 weeks my baby will surely die.

So two years ago today I began the wait for my baby. Two years ago today I started my side trip of learning what surrender truly means.

Cathryn

Human Milk for Human Babies

The Mothers Milk Bank urgently needs $50000 by the end of this month! Please consider donating!!!

When I had Tia I sat for seven days pumping milk off every four hours for Tia. I thought I was doing well when I got 10ml. On the seventh day the lactation consultant came and suggested I start medication as my milk may not come in on its own after my traumatic birth. I was a bit stunned as I had never had troubles with my milk and usually had enough to feed three babies. I asked for one more day as putting yet more medicine in my body didn't appeal to me. The next morning I received a blessing of 100ml in the bottle when I pumped off. My milk had come in on its own!

A few days later I comprehended how lucky I had been. I watch another mother in the Special Care Nursery cry her tears of loss as she conceded defeat. After her traumatic birth, where she had nearly died on the theatre table, her milk was not going to come in. The medication had not worked, no amount of expressing was bringing her milk in plus her baby was too small to suck, she would never experience the bond of breastfeeding her tiny premmie baby.

As Tia received more and more of my milk she started to gain weight and slowly but surely began to thrive. The other tiny premmie was doing well but not as well as if he was being breastfeed.

The government is not interested in helping the milk bank as they want to be seen as promoting breastfeeding!!! and feel the bank takes away from this???? I will not say anymore about this....ggrrrrr

Around Australia hundreds of unwell and premature babies don't receive their mothers milk for various reasons. This is were the Mothers Milk Bank comes into play so these babies who really need it can get human milk to give them the best start in life. At the moment the milk bank is feeding an unwell baby who was early and his mother is undergoing chemotherapy so can't breastfeed him. If the don't raise $50000 this week the bank will lose their important pasteurising machine!

So please donate and think of all these little babies and their mums on Friday 26th February!

I will be wearing a white shirt on Friday, will you?

Cathryn

Here is the link

Music and Life

I spent yesterday afternoon uploading new songs onto my iPod. I haven't uploaded anything for two years. I have started back running again and have been using it again.

As I pounded along to the Chemical Bros, Good Charlotte, Black Eyed Peas and Match Box 20 I realised it was time for an update. These guys are still great for running but some fresh stuff was needed. Thinking about what I could download I realised how important music can be.

In hospital I only used my iPod in the middle of the night. I would plug the iPod into my ears and pull the covers over my head so the music could transport me away.I didn't have an efficient way of updating songs so I saved my iPod as my sanctuary for when I awoke in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep. My favourites were Dido and other tortured artist crying about love lost and injured hearts.

During the day in hospital I'd listen to the radio. Even now, different songs I heard a lot of then can transport back to my hospital room. 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol used to mellow me out. I'd lie on my bed and wish for Frank to be lying with me so we could forget the world together. So often in that room I felt I'd been forgotten by the world. I felt so alone.

Since my return home listening to my iPod has been a bit of a luxury. As tempting as it is to plug my ears against the noise of the kids sometimes, it isn't something I get to do that often. In a rare moment I have been found bouncing around to George Michael's 'Amazing' for a bit of self gratitude and motivating myself with Gwen Stefani's "What You Waiting For" so I can take a chance that I might grow! Though I am still waiting for my million dollar contract- it isn't far away I'm sure!

Every now and then a song sneaks up on me and takes on a meaning in my life. As I woke from the anaesthetic after delivering Tia a song was pulling me to consciousness. It was Pete Murray singing 'Pick Me Up'. It puzzled me for months why I had this song going on in my mind that day until I read the lyrics.

You saved me
Like you somehow owed me
Passion now flowing through my veins
Breathless days
I'd sit alone in silence
You brought me sun
And took away the rain

Honestly it's not a phase
Now I stand
Where before I couldn't raise
Even a smile just to get me through the day

You pick me up
You pick me up

These words reflect so many aspects of Tia arriving in my life. Mainly at my lowest points of my sidetrip it was Tia who got me through.

Music is great! It is like another form of communication. I can't sing or play an instrument. I am known to have some good moves on the dance floor after a couple of wines. I am not a music fanatic but I see music as a reflection of my life.

So tell me, what tunes move you?

Any suggestions from the last two years for me to add to my iPod?


:) Cathryn

Priorities.......

At the moment my life is full of priorities. My plate is overflowing. How is it that others appear effortless in life and while others are constantly floundering around?

Today I have prioritized. Today was a start date (I hope you are noticing I am focusing on today)and I awoke with a plan. Very simple steps to get through the day. It goes like this-

1. Correspondence- emails, Facebook, twitter
2. Clean house- blah!
3. Prepare for cottage cleaners-you're thinking why don't they clean my house?
4. Blog- doing well because here I am!
5. Exercise- I have to do it as I am planning on running the City to Surf.
6. Time with kids- they want to play tennis this afternoon.
7. Work on my book- I hope I can keep my eyes open by then lol

Of course, this is intermingled with the rest of my life which includes feeding and caring for my family plus running a business.

So is this going to work for me?

Will I be effortless or flounder?

I guess only time will tell :)

Cathryn

I can't say that anymore!

We are having a very busy time with our bless-ed kids on school holidays, our holiday cottages and a delightful stream of friends coming through our door to visit us!

But this is what I have found.

In the last two weeks I found these words come out of my mouth.

'Last year before/when/after I was in hospital....'

With this, concern would cross over my friend's faces as they think I have been ill again at some time.

'Oh, I can't say that anymore,'I correct myself.

Last year is 2009 and no longer 2008.

I remember my life by who I was pregnant with, who was a baby, who was being breastfed and what stage of schooling whoever was at. The last twelve years of my life is mapped out by my five beautiful bless-ed children. I can pinpoint the year by all of my precious markers.


Tia's presence marker is no longer last year in my life! Oddly with this, I feel a strange mix of emotion. The realisation of time moving on and all things healing. This marker is slipping into the past and part of me doesn't want it go. It was one of the most significant years of my life!

But mostly it means that Tia is growing up! At least once a day, I watch her in awe as she does something amazing. It creates an ache in my heart which is tainted with what may not have been. We love her so much and can't imagine our world without her.

Tia is my fifth marker in my life and she is a huge marker at that. But it is no longer last year.

I can't say last year when Tia came into our life. I can't say that anymore and it is making a little part of my heart break......

Cathryn

Do you remember you?

I've been writing my book this week. I am at the stage in my book when I am in hospital and find I am becoming a very good observer of the world.

After sitting in hospital for a couple of months I am totally up to date on news, current affairs, Hollywood gossip,and latest fashion trends.I'm even interested in the weather though it has no affect on my life other than the days my bless-ed family visits. If it is sunny I get to go outside in a wheelchair otherwise I have to remain indoors for another week.

One day I am so current I surprise my sister by ringing her at work to ask if she is alright.

'Why wouldn't I be?' she asked.

'Well,the building next door to you is on fire and on the news!'

So I am writing about this and notice I am not only observing through the media but I am starting to notice other's behaviour especially Frank's. I start admiring him for his ability to still practise self care.

Here is a man whose wife is in hospital, he has four children to care for, a business to run, a farm to manage and a job. Yet he is self loving enough to squeeze in a surf with mates, time for meditation, coffee with friends,and going to footy matches even if he has a couple of kids in tow. Frank believes (and still does) that he deserves this time and has quickly learnt how to ask others to help him to achieve all this.

Not saying that Frank didn't struggle at times. There were times when he and the kids were visiting I thought he looked ready to collapse. But even though he was the sole care giver (with lots of helpers) he managed to take time for himself.

This week I read a blog by a first time mum who says she refuses to loose herself to motherhood. Yes, easily said by a first time mum. Add a couple more kids, a job and a house and she may find bits of herself slipping away. But I think she will do it as she acknowledges we women allow ourselves disappear. She is aware.

So in my writing this week I am reminded to take time for me, to ask for help and do all that I love.

To simply remember me.


Cathryn

Don't ask me where I have been!

I haven't been anywhere or done anything all week. I have just been home with my bless-ed hubby and kids.

Well, we went out for New Years of course. I was so excited about the New Year. I had so many thoughts and plans for 2010.It is funny how one day, New Years day, can make you look back at where you have been and forward to where you want to go.

I had been itching for the New Year. I was going to do this and going to to do that in The New Year. As soon as it began, I was gonna, gonna, gonna!

Four days in and I felt like I was still in last year. I hadn't achieved anything. Had I put too much pressure on myself?

I'd been wandering around like a lost soul. Pondering my lack of ommpphh. Thinking about last year and thinking about this year. I'd even made a 'vision' board (I call mine a 'sidetrip' board) of where I wanted to go.

I had been waiting, waiting, waiting for it to happen.

Nothing had happened.

Today, I finally took the old calender off the wall. I flicked through the pictures on it and read the captions below. One caption spoke to me.

'The first rule of focus is this: wherever you are, be there" Author Unknown

These words reminded me of New Years Eve when the moon was large and full over the Valley. I stood and looked at this glorious moon and let its beams fill me with belief and excitement for the New Year. As I stood looking at the moon I stilled myself and soaked up the moment wanting to remember the night when 2010 arrived.

As I remembered New Years Eve, I closed my eyes and pictured the moon hanging over the Valley bathing me in it's reflective light. I then realised why I was lacking my ommpphh. Too much looking back and too much looking forward. I need to focus on where I am.

I need to let the New Year unfold, one moment, one minute, one hour, one day, one week and one month at a time.

So here I am.

I trust it will be a fabulous New Year, not only for me but for you too!


Cathryn xo