Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago today I sat in my OB's office being told that I only had 2-3 weeks before I would probably deliver my baby.

This is normally pretty exciting news to be told when you're pregnant especially if you're 37 weeks pregnant. It isn't exciting news to be told when you're only just over 19 weeks pregnant.

I watch the boom gate come down on my life. I was admitted into hospital that afternoon to try and add as many hours, days and weeks as I could onto my pregnancy.

I was on strict bed rest and was to stay in hospital until my baby was born.

At some stage on my first afternoon in hospital I recalled after the birth of my fourth child I'd needed to purchase shields for feeding. To do this I had to go the Special Care Nursery (SCN). The SCN is an off limits area only parents of admitted babies are allowed in. It is not an area that you can waltz into. I stood at the door of the SCN waiting for someone to notice me.

It was busy in there. Two midwives helped the NETS team (they transport preterm and sick babies to other hospitals)work on a tiny baby. I was mesmerized watching them. I openly gawked as I watch all they were doing from my distant position at the door.

Finally, I was noticed and sent quickly on my way with my shields in hand. As I walked slowly down the corridor and back to my room I thanked God that the baby was not my baby. I thanked God none of my babies had ever been in the SCN. I thank God for the beautiful healthy children I had.

Two years ago today, I sat in hospital remembering the scene. I prayed to God. This time I asked him to let it be me.

Please let that be the outcome for me I prayed. Please let my baby be born at an age that the doctors and nurses can help her. Please give me have a few more weeks of pregnancy because if I don't make it to 24 weeks my baby will surely die.

So two years ago today I began the wait for my baby. Two years ago today I started my side trip of learning what surrender truly means.

Cathryn