One morning a couple of weeks ago I awoke with a start. Somewhere in my sleeping subconscious I'd realised that Christmas was just around the corner and I was not prepared. As I slowly slipped into consciousness and lay there listening to my home waking for the day I realised I only had one day to get prepared before Christmas. One day without children in tow, one day to shop for five children and that was the very next day.
The very next day at 10.30 in the morning with children tucked away at their schools I parked my car and paid the machine for 3 hours parking. I headed towards the shopping centre and shopped. No break for a leisurely lunch or a rest with a coffee. I whizzed around the department stores, toy shops and speciality outlets flashing my credit card left right and centre.Loaded up with bags I struggled around the shops making a trip back to the car to unload. Names were getting marked off my mental list. By 1.30 I was back at the car putting into the boot the last of the gifts for my family. My three hour whirlwind shopping spree over.
That night I lay in my bad thinking about my day. I felt no real happiness other than I'd achieved a lot for my day. No joy at the thought of all the gifts my family would receive. My Christmas spirit was stuck in neutral.
The following weekend we went to the local Christmas pantomime. A group of local actors on stage with a simple aim of entertaining people and putting a smile on their faces. My Bless-ed Harmony laughed louder than anyone. Everyone in the crowd booed, hissed, laughed, and cheered. My cheeks ached as I left the hall. My heart felt light and happy. My Christmas spirit had moved up a gear.
I remained in this gear into the week but was soon bogged down with life and work. Running around for the end of school and getting things organised with the business. Finally school broke up and one of our busiest weekends for work came to an end. It was time for Christmas tree shopping and this year we were buying local.
Bless-ed Frank and I stood in a paddock with the kids looking up at large tall trees while the owner of the trees asked which branch would we like. Frank and I slid sly looks at each other while we both held back laughter. Usually we go to a tree farm where we are given a saw and we all ran around yelling this one, no this one while we picked a tree. Here we had a man with chainsaw ready to chop the top of a tree off. We both knew we could've done this at our home for free!
With the branch in trailer the kids and I hopped in the car while Frank went inside the office to pay. The kids erupted in laughter. We could've done that at home they shrieked. We shrieked and laughed even louder when Frank got into the car and said exactly the same thing. The laughter rocked the car all the way home.
An afternoon a couple of days later with the Christmas branch decorate strapped to the flue of the fire place as it 12 feet tall, I sat wrapping all the presents while Frank entertained the kids. As I wrapped I thought about my shopping spree, the running around, the perceived stress of the Yuling. I then thought of the laughter and happiness of the activities that had made me smile and really put me in the Christmas spirit.
It was nothing to do with presents or giving or receiving. It was all to do with love. Enjoying being together and enjoying each others joy. Being present with the people you love.
So my Christmas wish this year was for everyone to feel love and for the love to follow them into the New Year.
Because love is all you need.
Happy Loving New Year to you,
Cathryn
Monday, December 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
What Kangaroo Care Means to Me
Say the words Kangaroo Care to anyone who has entered the world of the NICU and they know what you're talking about. Say it to the unexperienced and they ask if you look after kangaroos- seriously! I live in Australia so I could very well be caring for kangaroos!
When Becca and I looked at a name for a support and play group for our area we came up with the name Kangaroo Care. Kangaroo Care is encouraged in hospitals for mothers and fathers to hold their little premature and unwell babies on their chest so contact is skin to skin. The act of doing this has been highly beneficial. These tiny little babies thrive on the closeness with their loved ones. We knew the name would be easily recognisable to those we wanted to help.
For me there was another side to it.During my sidetrip to bring Bless-ed Tia into the world I found myself embraced in another form of Kangaroo Care. My family, my friends and my community wrapped my Bless-ed self and family in love with physical and emotional support in a way I never thought possible. We were helped on so many levels by so many people. It made us feel truly Bless-ed. To this day we marvel at the generosity of the people who helped us and express gratitude for all we received during the months I was away and when we came home.
Sadly, I realised that not all families who faced this challenging time had the support that we had. Kangaroo Care was needed by many. It is a special embrace from others who know and have been there too.
As Becca and I worked building our group we realised that it was a huge task and it was best to have support behind us too. So we merged Kangaroo Care with the Miracle Babies Foundation here in Australia to the Shoalhaven NurtureGroup. Our NurtureGroup is going from strength to strength. It is wonderful to be helping so many other families which has been our aim all along.To give them support during and after their journey.
The amazing thing for Kangaroo Care is that it has survived the merge. We have a page on Facebook (see link on right hand side of the page) and it is slowly growing. We use the page to promote all premature and unwell baby support groups and organisations worldwide. Families share photos and stories. It is a place to embrace others and acknowledge the journey they've been on. A simple page which understands the strength behind a simple act of close and loving hug. Even if it is from thousands of miles away.
Because sometimes a hug, an act of Kangaroo Care, is all you need to gather yourself up and keep going!
Just like it is for our precious little miracle babies <3
Cathryn
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Just Do It!
Sometimes you simply need to dig deep and just do it to reach your goals. This last week or so I've realised that the energy to dream up the goal and the energy to reach the goal are two totally different feelings. Having an idea and dreaming up the plans and scenarios can be more exciting and interesting than actually bringing the dreams to completion.
One of my goals has been to complete the Sydney Bridge Run again and it was on last weekend. I ran it in 'O7 and I wanted to do it again. During my training I imagined over and over finishing. My family waiting at the end. The hugs and congratulations. Taking Bless-ed Tia into my arms. The completeness I would feel. The knowing that physically I am back to where I had been.
Instead as the week of the run approached I was ill at the beginning of it so rest and recuperation was needed. My plans for the whole family to be there were put aside as too difficult to orchestrate. So it was Bless-ed Jenson and I travelling up to Sydney and running on our own. The little doubting voice started in my head saying you're not ready/not fit enough/ too old/ too whatever to do this. In the end I decided I'd just go, enjoy myself and merely finish.
A perfect lightly overcast day greeted us and we timed our arrival at the event perfectly. Little time was spent waiting around. I gave Jens his final instructions and we set off over the Sydney Harbour Bridge. It was a tussle through the crowds with probably 3 times as many runners as last time and 2ks in I had a stitch. I pushed on planning to run it off. At the 4k drink station I grabbed a drink and that was the last I thought about the stitch.
I past St Mary's Cathedral,I must add here that by now Jens was nowhere to be seen so my mother's anxiety kicked in, and I entered the Botanical Gardens. Along the way out to Lady Macquaries Chair you can view the runners heading back to the finish so this leg went fairly fast and I scanned the crowd for my boy. As I came to the turn I looked across and there he was cruising along without a care in the world. A little lump of pride and relief swelled in my throat.
I continued on while praying for the drink station which was still a couple of ks further along. As I came up to the 7k mark I felt weary and tired. I questioned whether I should go on. What was it I needed to prove?
I watch an older man stop and place his hands on his hips sighing. I looked at his body language reading defeat. I thought that's not going to be me. I can do this! I eyed the drink station ahead and made my decision. Go in and have a drink, take your time then head to the finish line.
Feeling freshly watered and ready I re-entered the race and pounded back through the crowd. The best thing about these big races is there is always someone going slower. Someone you can aim for and go past. I ran past people feeling ready to conquer my goal. I headed down the final hill, passing people on Macquarie St going down and looking at people still going up. The end lay out below me at the Opera House. I crossed the line in what felt like mere seconds later rather than minutes. As I crossed I threw my arms in the air in triumph.
Yes!!I did it! I thought.
Instantly I went back into mother mode. I quickly searched for Jenson and found him. We grabbed a drink and took off our timers to return them. It was over. The goal was complete. I felt neither up or down. Slightly despondent. Certainly not jumping out of my skin with excitement. Not exactly how I thought I would feel. We decided to head to a cafe for lunch after spending a little while stretching and cooling down.
We found a nice place where we could watch the marathoners go past. While Jens went to the bathroom I sat alone watching the world go by. My mobile beep beeped that I had a message. I opened the message.
"Congratulations Cathy! You completed the Bridge Run 2010 in 51.06 minutes.'
With that the tears rolled down my cheeks. Confirmation.I was back. I'd done it. Faster than last time.
I'd achieved my dream. I stopped thinking about it and did it!
Cathryn
PS I wanted to post a photo with this but as usual no photos of me in the official photos!
One of my goals has been to complete the Sydney Bridge Run again and it was on last weekend. I ran it in 'O7 and I wanted to do it again. During my training I imagined over and over finishing. My family waiting at the end. The hugs and congratulations. Taking Bless-ed Tia into my arms. The completeness I would feel. The knowing that physically I am back to where I had been.
Instead as the week of the run approached I was ill at the beginning of it so rest and recuperation was needed. My plans for the whole family to be there were put aside as too difficult to orchestrate. So it was Bless-ed Jenson and I travelling up to Sydney and running on our own. The little doubting voice started in my head saying you're not ready/not fit enough/ too old/ too whatever to do this. In the end I decided I'd just go, enjoy myself and merely finish.
A perfect lightly overcast day greeted us and we timed our arrival at the event perfectly. Little time was spent waiting around. I gave Jens his final instructions and we set off over the Sydney Harbour Bridge. It was a tussle through the crowds with probably 3 times as many runners as last time and 2ks in I had a stitch. I pushed on planning to run it off. At the 4k drink station I grabbed a drink and that was the last I thought about the stitch.
I past St Mary's Cathedral,I must add here that by now Jens was nowhere to be seen so my mother's anxiety kicked in, and I entered the Botanical Gardens. Along the way out to Lady Macquaries Chair you can view the runners heading back to the finish so this leg went fairly fast and I scanned the crowd for my boy. As I came to the turn I looked across and there he was cruising along without a care in the world. A little lump of pride and relief swelled in my throat.
I continued on while praying for the drink station which was still a couple of ks further along. As I came up to the 7k mark I felt weary and tired. I questioned whether I should go on. What was it I needed to prove?
I watch an older man stop and place his hands on his hips sighing. I looked at his body language reading defeat. I thought that's not going to be me. I can do this! I eyed the drink station ahead and made my decision. Go in and have a drink, take your time then head to the finish line.
Feeling freshly watered and ready I re-entered the race and pounded back through the crowd. The best thing about these big races is there is always someone going slower. Someone you can aim for and go past. I ran past people feeling ready to conquer my goal. I headed down the final hill, passing people on Macquarie St going down and looking at people still going up. The end lay out below me at the Opera House. I crossed the line in what felt like mere seconds later rather than minutes. As I crossed I threw my arms in the air in triumph.
Yes!!I did it! I thought.
Instantly I went back into mother mode. I quickly searched for Jenson and found him. We grabbed a drink and took off our timers to return them. It was over. The goal was complete. I felt neither up or down. Slightly despondent. Certainly not jumping out of my skin with excitement. Not exactly how I thought I would feel. We decided to head to a cafe for lunch after spending a little while stretching and cooling down.
We found a nice place where we could watch the marathoners go past. While Jens went to the bathroom I sat alone watching the world go by. My mobile beep beeped that I had a message. I opened the message.
"Congratulations Cathy! You completed the Bridge Run 2010 in 51.06 minutes.'
With that the tears rolled down my cheeks. Confirmation.I was back. I'd done it. Faster than last time.
I'd achieved my dream. I stopped thinking about it and did it!
Cathryn
PS I wanted to post a photo with this but as usual no photos of me in the official photos!
Friday, September 10, 2010
I'm Back! And Inspired!
These last few winter months have been so hectic. Having five bless-ed children is so time consuming! The days and weeks fly by!
The other night while getting dinner this (see above video- still working all this out!) came on TV. I watched in awe of this beautiful family and their wonderful outcome. This story turns hope into belief!
I'm on the lookout for other inspiring stories. Do you have a story you'd like to share?
Cathryn
The other night while getting dinner this (see above video- still working all this out!) came on TV. I watched in awe of this beautiful family and their wonderful outcome. This story turns hope into belief!
I'm on the lookout for other inspiring stories. Do you have a story you'd like to share?
Cathryn
Friday, July 16, 2010
Goodbye Grandma
Last July I wrote this about my grandmother. Yesterday she peacefully left our world. Wonderfully we take comfort in the fact that she is now reunited with her beloved Ned. We'll all miss her.
16th July 2010
I've just returned from visiting my parents. My mother has recently had the task of placing my 93 year old grandmother into a nursing home. As you can imagine it is an emotional experience.
My grandmother is one of the most stubborn people I know. Her husband passed away in the early 70's and she has lived on her own ever since. I can't begin to tell you about how many times my grandmother should have passed away. From being run over on a pedestrian crossing,to putting her car through the side of a church until the last major threat a stroke in 1988 which we were all called home to say our goodbyes. Here we are finally putting her into care after years of independence. When I was at school a boy who lived in her street called her house the Botanical Garden of Junction Street. This made me secretly proud of her even though I said how embarrassing at the time. Grandma loved her garden and I think this is what has kept her alive.
So one afternoon during my visit this week I found myself with a sleeping Bless-ed Tia in my arms sitting with my grandmother. It was a whole new experience as we sat together. It was very quiet and with the age that my grandmother is the conversation went around in circles for a little while and then the conversation petered out. I was desperately avoiding conversation about her old home and had to keep snapping my mouth shut from asking if she liked her new one.
So we sat in the quiet for a while. I looked at my grandmother. I mean I really looked at her. For the first time I saw her age. You know how when you're a kid everyone over 40 is old looking. But this time I looked at her and the saw her real age. I surveyed the room and began measuring it in my my mind. Yes, definitely bigger than my hospital room not much but bigger. I surveyed the room her life had been reduced to. It was simply now one room with a bathroom instead of a house and beautiful garden. I looked at the photos of her old garden on the wall. I looked back to my grandmother.
In her eyes was a reflection of part me. Her eyes spoke of vulnerability and uneasiest. I recognised the look in her eyes. Here I am in this room her eyes said. This is what my life is now and I don't know what the future holds for me. In that instant I felt compassion for my grandmother on a level I'd never felt before. I closed my eyes, gently rocked Tia and let the emotion of the moment sink in.
The next day I realised I'd left my sunglasses at my grandmothers and rushed into her room to grab them before we came home. I felt the excitement from her of another visitor but I was quickly in and out of the home. As we drove off I could see her standing at the window trying to catch a glimpse of us. I waved and encouraged the kids to wave. Grandma spotted us and waved back. A lonely figure standing at the window. A little lady, frail from age and life who has a heart of a lion.
I'm so glad that our last memory is of her standing at her window waving goodbye. So appreciative that I got to spend a peaceful hour with her and recognised all that she was.
Goodbye Grandma.
If the feisty zeal for life that Bless-ed Tia has came from you. She's going to live a long and wonderful life <3
Cathryn
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Let's breathe.............
As mothers we face daily ups and downs. Our beautiful loving child can become a screaming terror in seconds, our neat, clean and tidy home can be demolished to rubble in a blink of an eye and we can fall into bed so tired at the end of the day that the next time we open our eyes we wonder where the night has gone and how are we going to get up to do it again.
I've been attending a meditation group lately. One of the helpful things I've learnt are breathing exercises. I found this practice at www.beliefnet.com. It is derived from the Buddhist belief. It is as simple as breathing in and out and thinking or saying the words.Tonglen is a practice of compassion. In order to have compassion for ourselves we need to cultivate it for others. You take in the difficult parts of mothering for yourself and for all other mothers send out love and compassion.
Tonglen for Mothers
I breathe in the daily frustrations
small as they are, big as they can seem
I breathe out patience for us all.
I breathe in the loneliness
of days spent mothering on our own
I breathe out connection
community, compassion.
I breathe in the brokenness
not being enough in the world
I breathe out wholeness
leaving ideals behind, truth.
I breathe in the boredom
diapers, cooking, same every day
I breathe out simple pleasure
swings, finger painting, rocks.
I breathe in the exhaustion,
the worry, the fear
I breathe out the calm energy, excitement.
I breathe in the rage
at your plight, your place, your life
I breathe out peace
contentment, courage.
- DeLona Campos-Davis
A small amount of breathing and being still can lead to a whole lot of calm, peace and contentment.
So next time the going gets tough or you find yourself in a happy moment remember to breathe :)
Wishing you happy days,
Cathryn
I've been attending a meditation group lately. One of the helpful things I've learnt are breathing exercises. I found this practice at www.beliefnet.com. It is derived from the Buddhist belief. It is as simple as breathing in and out and thinking or saying the words.Tonglen is a practice of compassion. In order to have compassion for ourselves we need to cultivate it for others. You take in the difficult parts of mothering for yourself and for all other mothers send out love and compassion.
Tonglen for Mothers
I breathe in the daily frustrations
small as they are, big as they can seem
I breathe out patience for us all.
I breathe in the loneliness
of days spent mothering on our own
I breathe out connection
community, compassion.
I breathe in the brokenness
not being enough in the world
I breathe out wholeness
leaving ideals behind, truth.
I breathe in the boredom
diapers, cooking, same every day
I breathe out simple pleasure
swings, finger painting, rocks.
I breathe in the exhaustion,
the worry, the fear
I breathe out the calm energy, excitement.
I breathe in the rage
at your plight, your place, your life
I breathe out peace
contentment, courage.
- DeLona Campos-Davis
A small amount of breathing and being still can lead to a whole lot of calm, peace and contentment.
So next time the going gets tough or you find yourself in a happy moment remember to breathe :)
Wishing you happy days,
Cathryn
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Let's Get Physical!
One of the hardest things I had to come to terms with after my hospitalisation and complications was my loss of physical health. I had literally wasted away. After Tia's birth a walk to the hospital cafeteria and back was enough to put me back to bed for a couple of hours.
Fortunately, I built up walking quite quickly but in reality when I first came home I could only look after Tia and myself. For weeks anything beyond this was simply out of my reach.
Last year I took the motto 'Be kind to yourself' to heart. I let my body recuperate. This year I've endeavoured to get back to where I was. My aim has been to run the Sydney City to Surf again. I'd done this a couple of months before Tia was conceived.
I didn't really get back to running until April this year. Within weeks I realised the City to Surf may be out of my reach. My body is not the same. I've lost strength in areas I'd never realised. Running is no longer fluid for me. It is now a tight and strained action. It takes willpower and concentration to move. Sometimes after a run I feel great and other times my body screams in protest for days afterwards.
Why do I persist?
Because these circumstances will change. This situation will pass.
As my need to cry over the loss of my fitness and my inability to function has passed. My struggle to run as I did will diminish.
It is your ability to view the situation and to hold on to what is really important and let go of what isn't that is the key to rising to the challenges you face.
So I will continue getting out there. Run with joy in my heart and meet the challenges as they arise.
Yesterday, I had to sprint to the line to secure my place. The competitor is still inisde me. It didn't matter to me that I was battling it out for 33rd place.
I've come a long way to be able to finish in that position ;)
Cathryn
Fortunately, I built up walking quite quickly but in reality when I first came home I could only look after Tia and myself. For weeks anything beyond this was simply out of my reach.
Last year I took the motto 'Be kind to yourself' to heart. I let my body recuperate. This year I've endeavoured to get back to where I was. My aim has been to run the Sydney City to Surf again. I'd done this a couple of months before Tia was conceived.
I didn't really get back to running until April this year. Within weeks I realised the City to Surf may be out of my reach. My body is not the same. I've lost strength in areas I'd never realised. Running is no longer fluid for me. It is now a tight and strained action. It takes willpower and concentration to move. Sometimes after a run I feel great and other times my body screams in protest for days afterwards.
Why do I persist?
Because these circumstances will change. This situation will pass.
As my need to cry over the loss of my fitness and my inability to function has passed. My struggle to run as I did will diminish.
It is your ability to view the situation and to hold on to what is really important and let go of what isn't that is the key to rising to the challenges you face.
So I will continue getting out there. Run with joy in my heart and meet the challenges as they arise.
Yesterday, I had to sprint to the line to secure my place. The competitor is still inisde me. It didn't matter to me that I was battling it out for 33rd place.
I've come a long way to be able to finish in that position ;)
Cathryn
Monday, June 21, 2010
My Bless-ed Girl is Two!
Yesterday was Tia's second birthday (and Mac's seventh). Interestingly compared to last year I was quite unemotional about it. In fact I was quite normal. There was none of the 'this time last year' or 'it isn't really her due date' thoughts. It was as simple as my little baby girl is two!
Tonight I'm filling in the forms for her first day of preschool tomorrow.My thoughts are my last child is starting preschool and I've returned to where I was two and a half years ago. I've made it!
When I found out I was pregnant with Tia I was instantly assaulted with how am I going to do this thoughts mixed with I don't want to do this thoughts. Constantly I questioned myself about how I was feeling. Where would I find the strength for five children? As you know I had to survive the pregnancy to get to the survive the five children stage.
So here I am. I have survived. Last week threw a couple of things at me to show I've moved on. We couldn't find bless-ed Tia's birth certificate and couldn't recall a memory of receiving it. Goes to show how details are easily forgotten. In that search I found a diary entry from the day of Tia's birth which I'd lost. I think it finally answers the question- what is my book all about. Here is part of it for you.
20/06/08
So much for sleeping pills. It is four in the morning and I've been awake for an hour. There's a baby crying down the hall. Very annoying.
The day is here. The day I have been waiting for. Our little girl is coming into the world six weeks early today. She is squirming in my belly. I know she will be okay as she is so determined to be here.
My mind is very active sending out little prayers. My eyes are heavy though. Perhaps I will get a little more sleep.
What is it I'm afraid of? It is hard to say. The unknown. The fact that you have to put your faith in a group of people you hardly know. Is it the pain and the recovery?
I live a blessed life and can't see why this event can't be blessed as well. Everything will be okay. What freaks me out most about this journey is it isn't merely about a baby but about a group of people finding their strengths and recognising their weaknesses. I hope we can all look at ourselves and recognise this. Take the lessons and become better people.
I'm at the turn. If this is a race, an out and back race, then I'm about to head back. It is time to put to put the lessons we have learnt into practise.
We won't be the same ever again. We will be stronger and united. We will give our egos a rest and acknowledge that it isn't always about us.
Sunday 27th June 2010
WoW a week has past since I started this post. A week of Tia being two. Yes, life is good. Bless-ed Tia had great birthday and thrived on her first day at preschool.
Me- I feel I've found my feet. A day of being me while Tia was at preschool resulted in more energy later in the week. I'm quite impressed with the amount of housework I achieved before the weekend. I think as I settle into having me time it will translate into some extra writing time.
Yep, I'm finally at the place to finish writing my book.
Yep, my bless-ed Tia is two and for all the ups and downs of bringing her into our world I could not imagine my life without her.
I love you bless-ed little Tia xo
Cathryn
Tonight I'm filling in the forms for her first day of preschool tomorrow.My thoughts are my last child is starting preschool and I've returned to where I was two and a half years ago. I've made it!
When I found out I was pregnant with Tia I was instantly assaulted with how am I going to do this thoughts mixed with I don't want to do this thoughts. Constantly I questioned myself about how I was feeling. Where would I find the strength for five children? As you know I had to survive the pregnancy to get to the survive the five children stage.
So here I am. I have survived. Last week threw a couple of things at me to show I've moved on. We couldn't find bless-ed Tia's birth certificate and couldn't recall a memory of receiving it. Goes to show how details are easily forgotten. In that search I found a diary entry from the day of Tia's birth which I'd lost. I think it finally answers the question- what is my book all about. Here is part of it for you.
20/06/08
So much for sleeping pills. It is four in the morning and I've been awake for an hour. There's a baby crying down the hall. Very annoying.
The day is here. The day I have been waiting for. Our little girl is coming into the world six weeks early today. She is squirming in my belly. I know she will be okay as she is so determined to be here.
My mind is very active sending out little prayers. My eyes are heavy though. Perhaps I will get a little more sleep.
What is it I'm afraid of? It is hard to say. The unknown. The fact that you have to put your faith in a group of people you hardly know. Is it the pain and the recovery?
I live a blessed life and can't see why this event can't be blessed as well. Everything will be okay. What freaks me out most about this journey is it isn't merely about a baby but about a group of people finding their strengths and recognising their weaknesses. I hope we can all look at ourselves and recognise this. Take the lessons and become better people.
I'm at the turn. If this is a race, an out and back race, then I'm about to head back. It is time to put to put the lessons we have learnt into practise.
We won't be the same ever again. We will be stronger and united. We will give our egos a rest and acknowledge that it isn't always about us.
Sunday 27th June 2010
WoW a week has past since I started this post. A week of Tia being two. Yes, life is good. Bless-ed Tia had great birthday and thrived on her first day at preschool.
Me- I feel I've found my feet. A day of being me while Tia was at preschool resulted in more energy later in the week. I'm quite impressed with the amount of housework I achieved before the weekend. I think as I settle into having me time it will translate into some extra writing time.
Yep, I'm finally at the place to finish writing my book.
Yep, my bless-ed Tia is two and for all the ups and downs of bringing her into our world I could not imagine my life without her.
I love you bless-ed little Tia xo
Cathryn
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Close to my Heart
Today up in windy cold Bowral I was attempting to cross the road with bless-ed Tia. I looked at this huge vehicle coming down the road. I recognised it as an ambulance but I also realised that it was larger than usual. I read the words on the side of the ambulance. 'Intensive Care Transportation for Newborns and Children' across the back were the letters N.E.T.S
My heart went to my throat and I was back two years (yes Tia is nearly 2) to seeing the huge perspex box with the flashing lights being wheeled towards me with my baby inside.
'Look, Tia, look! It's the NETS team!'I exclaimed pointing at the ambulance. I could barely control myself from cheering and waving as they continued on down the road. I wanted to run up, open the door and hug the heroic driver.
NETS are the emergency transport team for newborns and kids. They're the last people you ever want to meet because if you do your child is in serious need of care. When you do meet them they are like angels who have come to help you.
As I walked back to the mothership I relived the moments, and it was only moments, which I had with the NETS team, my baby and the flashing lights box. I realised I'd never thanked them.
So today I thank them. Today I realised I hold these fabulous people close to my heart. Like many organisations you never know about them until you need them. Lucky for us they're there.
Go to www.nets.org.au to find out more or if you'd like to make a donation :)
Cathryn
My heart went to my throat and I was back two years (yes Tia is nearly 2) to seeing the huge perspex box with the flashing lights being wheeled towards me with my baby inside.
'Look, Tia, look! It's the NETS team!'I exclaimed pointing at the ambulance. I could barely control myself from cheering and waving as they continued on down the road. I wanted to run up, open the door and hug the heroic driver.
NETS are the emergency transport team for newborns and kids. They're the last people you ever want to meet because if you do your child is in serious need of care. When you do meet them they are like angels who have come to help you.
As I walked back to the mothership I relived the moments, and it was only moments, which I had with the NETS team, my baby and the flashing lights box. I realised I'd never thanked them.
So today I thank them. Today I realised I hold these fabulous people close to my heart. Like many organisations you never know about them until you need them. Lucky for us they're there.
Go to www.nets.org.au to find out more or if you'd like to make a donation :)
Cathryn
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Divine Mother's Love
I read 'A Song in the Daylight' by Paullina Simons a few months ago. The conversation below still resonates with me. Somedays as I go about picking up shoes, toys, food and other forgotten must have important items I think I bend, I bend, I bend! The main character is a 40 year old mother of three called Larissa and she recalls a memory of a conversation with her friend Evelyn. I think it speaks volumes for a Mother's Love.
'All I do is pick up after the children. That's what I do. I went to school, grew up, went to college, worked hard, studied hard, dreamed BIG, got a job, briefly, thought much of myself, my talents, my intellectual gifts. I rocked to music, devoured books, baked, painted, danced, smoked. I was so happening. And then I had one child and another and another. And now all I do from morning to night is direct them and clean up their cereal bowls. Go get your glasses. Go get your folder. Go get the letter for me to sign. Go get your shoes. Go get your bag, your lunch money, your coat, your sister, your clarinet. Or; put your shoes away. Put your bowl away. Put the cereal box away. Throw away the wrapper. Close the pantry door. Pick that straw up off the floor. Close the dishwasher. Clothes go in the hamper, not right outside. Fold your couch blanket. Give Riot some water. The tissues from your runny nose, do they belong on the table or in the garbage? The empty cups, the empty boxes, the open jar of peanut butter, when when when will it ever stop? '
Evelyn sat smiling lightly. 'I agree with everything you say, Larissa. My back is bent because there is always something on the floor I need to pick up. I was, I am, just like you. I can't believe I'm doing this instead of reading, or writing, or acting on stage. Do you remember how much I loved the stage? It was my life! And now this is what I do while the kids run off to their friends. I bend down and down.' Evelyn nodded. 'Larissa, I know. But this I also know. When you spend the day, each day and every day, all the time, picking up after other people, and not just other people, but your children, your flesh and blood children, you bend, you sigh, you pick up the toy they dropped, the milk cover, the money they had to take on the trip and didn't, when you do all those things for them, day in and day out, that's when you find the Divine within yourself. You know why? Because it is only the Divine within you that would do it. Do you know what I mean? You do it because that is what Love looks like, bent at the basin on the floor, washing their feet.'
Before you became a mother, did you understand the devotion it would take to be a mother? The tedious hours of work to keep them happy with our reward being seeing them happy.
Mother's Love, Divine Love or is it Divine Mother's Love?
Happy Mother's Day!
Cathryn
'All I do is pick up after the children. That's what I do. I went to school, grew up, went to college, worked hard, studied hard, dreamed BIG, got a job, briefly, thought much of myself, my talents, my intellectual gifts. I rocked to music, devoured books, baked, painted, danced, smoked. I was so happening. And then I had one child and another and another. And now all I do from morning to night is direct them and clean up their cereal bowls. Go get your glasses. Go get your folder. Go get the letter for me to sign. Go get your shoes. Go get your bag, your lunch money, your coat, your sister, your clarinet. Or; put your shoes away. Put your bowl away. Put the cereal box away. Throw away the wrapper. Close the pantry door. Pick that straw up off the floor. Close the dishwasher. Clothes go in the hamper, not right outside. Fold your couch blanket. Give Riot some water. The tissues from your runny nose, do they belong on the table or in the garbage? The empty cups, the empty boxes, the open jar of peanut butter, when when when will it ever stop? '
Evelyn sat smiling lightly. 'I agree with everything you say, Larissa. My back is bent because there is always something on the floor I need to pick up. I was, I am, just like you. I can't believe I'm doing this instead of reading, or writing, or acting on stage. Do you remember how much I loved the stage? It was my life! And now this is what I do while the kids run off to their friends. I bend down and down.' Evelyn nodded. 'Larissa, I know. But this I also know. When you spend the day, each day and every day, all the time, picking up after other people, and not just other people, but your children, your flesh and blood children, you bend, you sigh, you pick up the toy they dropped, the milk cover, the money they had to take on the trip and didn't, when you do all those things for them, day in and day out, that's when you find the Divine within yourself. You know why? Because it is only the Divine within you that would do it. Do you know what I mean? You do it because that is what Love looks like, bent at the basin on the floor, washing their feet.'
Before you became a mother, did you understand the devotion it would take to be a mother? The tedious hours of work to keep them happy with our reward being seeing them happy.
Mother's Love, Divine Love or is it Divine Mother's Love?
Happy Mother's Day!
Cathryn
Sunday, May 2, 2010
What I am Loving Right Now!
Right now I am loving that my 11 year old still loves cuddles from me. I love when I look at my 8 year old and I can still see the faint essence of the baby he once was. I love my 6 year old's eagerness for life in everything he does even when he cries. I love my princess 4 year old who is truly growing into a little girl as pink is slowly taking over the house and I love that my princess almost 2 calls mumma as soon as she wakes up though before 7 am is starting to wear thin!
What are you loving right now?
What are you loving right now?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Fear!
I've found myself with little to say at present. I'm not writing, blogging, updating my status often or tweeting. I feel I have nothing to say. My only real answer to all this is fear. I'm fearful of the next step I think. I don't know what to do about it. I'm fearful that if I finish my book I will then need to pursue it further but it also fear that people will not want to read it. I know of so many more inspiring stories than mine,stories of people who have faced so much more than I.
When I used to write I'd pour my heart out and say how it truly felt. Now when I attempt writing I am guarded and concerned. I think can I really admit that or tell people this.
My book is practically written now with lots of editing work to be done. It sits awaiting my return.
I have sat and thought about the fear I felt when faced with my predicament two years ago. I know I drew strength from the love of my bless-ed family and friends to get me through. Some days I sat and looked out the hospital window imagining the love from everyone outside pouring in to support me. I'd wrap it around me and feel comforted.
This is a new challenge I am facing now. This time the love to conquer the fear needs to come from within me. I need to love myself and believe in myself on a whole new level so I can step up and accomplish my dream.
Love- it is that simple and that difficult!
Cathryn
When I used to write I'd pour my heart out and say how it truly felt. Now when I attempt writing I am guarded and concerned. I think can I really admit that or tell people this.
My book is practically written now with lots of editing work to be done. It sits awaiting my return.
I have sat and thought about the fear I felt when faced with my predicament two years ago. I know I drew strength from the love of my bless-ed family and friends to get me through. Some days I sat and looked out the hospital window imagining the love from everyone outside pouring in to support me. I'd wrap it around me and feel comforted.
This is a new challenge I am facing now. This time the love to conquer the fear needs to come from within me. I need to love myself and believe in myself on a whole new level so I can step up and accomplish my dream.
Love- it is that simple and that difficult!
Cathryn
Friday, March 26, 2010
The People You Meet
Tonight I took all 5 bless-ed kids to the Golden Arches for dinner. Not my choice of restaurant but sometimes it comes down to convenience!
As we walked back to our car (our car is lovingly known as the Mother Ship) a beautiful big dog came romping up to us. I shielded the girls as the dog was nearly as big as them and I'm always cautious around dogs (a whole other story for another time). The owner called the dog back and apologised stating it was dinner time for the dog. I smiled and comment on what a beautiful dog it was.
I looked at the owner, trying not to stare as I took in his missing arm and his artificial leg. I was bundling the kids into the car when Jenson asked the question, but not the question I was expecting!
'Is he the the train guy Mum?' Jenson asked, 'You know the guy off the TV ad about crossing the tracks safely?'
I admitted I didn't know and as I closed the door of the car I decided to ask the guy.
'Are you the train safety guy? I asked him and he looked puzzled.'Off the TV ads about crossing the railroad safely? Your arm and leg? My kids were asking me.'
'No, I'm the guy who was bitten by a shark,'he replied.
'Sydney Harbour?' I asked and he nodded yes, 'Thought so.'
The shark bite guy was watching me as I shut the door of the car and I walked over to him.
'I had a client back in '93 who's husband was eaten by a shark on their honeymoon up at Byron Bay,' I told him,'I can see by the surfboard on your car roof that it hasn't stopped you going in the water.'
'Hasn't stopped me. Surf, snorkel, scuba dive, swim. I still go in the water.'
'I've never been one for the water,'I smiled at him and said goodbye.
I drove off thinking WoW I meet the guy who was bitten by a shark in Sydney Harbour. What an interesting story he must have to tell!
Then I realised everyone has a story to tell. It isn't always that obvious to everyone else!
Geez, wish I could meet him again as I now have a zillion questions for him!
Cathryn
As we walked back to our car (our car is lovingly known as the Mother Ship) a beautiful big dog came romping up to us. I shielded the girls as the dog was nearly as big as them and I'm always cautious around dogs (a whole other story for another time). The owner called the dog back and apologised stating it was dinner time for the dog. I smiled and comment on what a beautiful dog it was.
I looked at the owner, trying not to stare as I took in his missing arm and his artificial leg. I was bundling the kids into the car when Jenson asked the question, but not the question I was expecting!
'Is he the the train guy Mum?' Jenson asked, 'You know the guy off the TV ad about crossing the tracks safely?'
I admitted I didn't know and as I closed the door of the car I decided to ask the guy.
'Are you the train safety guy? I asked him and he looked puzzled.'Off the TV ads about crossing the railroad safely? Your arm and leg? My kids were asking me.'
'No, I'm the guy who was bitten by a shark,'he replied.
'Sydney Harbour?' I asked and he nodded yes, 'Thought so.'
The shark bite guy was watching me as I shut the door of the car and I walked over to him.
'I had a client back in '93 who's husband was eaten by a shark on their honeymoon up at Byron Bay,' I told him,'I can see by the surfboard on your car roof that it hasn't stopped you going in the water.'
'Hasn't stopped me. Surf, snorkel, scuba dive, swim. I still go in the water.'
'I've never been one for the water,'I smiled at him and said goodbye.
I drove off thinking WoW I meet the guy who was bitten by a shark in Sydney Harbour. What an interesting story he must have to tell!
Then I realised everyone has a story to tell. It isn't always that obvious to everyone else!
Geez, wish I could meet him again as I now have a zillion questions for him!
Cathryn
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Suffering From Writer's Block!!!
Arrgh!!!!!
I secretly believed that writer's block didn't exist! It is the strangest thing. I want to write but when I sit down the words aren't in my head. The voice I have been hearing for the last year is quiet. What gives me hope is now and then I hear a little whisper.
Writing is a solitary thing to do. No one can help you. They can read what you write and offer advice. No one can write it for you.
I am searching and searching for the answer to my block. I am coming to the conclusion this is the wrong thing to do. I think it is simply where I am at.
I am trying to work on the last part of my book. I think this may be the most revealing and intimate part of my story. It is set in the time after Tia's birth and I am recovering and building my life again. There is healing of my body, mind and spirit. Coming home after months of being away from my family was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It wasn't as simple as here I am, I'm back, now lets get on with it!
Perhaps I need to sit with it all for awhile. I have thought that perhaps I need to go on a retreat. I did find one I was interested in but it is held over Easter. I asked the kids if it was okay if I wasn't home for Easter.
'No! You were away for Easter last year!' was the reply.
'Well, actually that was two years ago,' I said.
'Mummy, we never want you to be away for Easter ever again!' Caelan stated.
A retreat is not to be.
So I will sit with it.I will look inside and the answer will be there.
It always is!
Cathryn
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Two Years Ago Today
Two years ago today I sat in my OB's office being told that I only had 2-3 weeks before I would probably deliver my baby.
This is normally pretty exciting news to be told when you're pregnant especially if you're 37 weeks pregnant. It isn't exciting news to be told when you're only just over 19 weeks pregnant.
I watch the boom gate come down on my life. I was admitted into hospital that afternoon to try and add as many hours, days and weeks as I could onto my pregnancy.
I was on strict bed rest and was to stay in hospital until my baby was born.
At some stage on my first afternoon in hospital I recalled after the birth of my fourth child I'd needed to purchase shields for feeding. To do this I had to go the Special Care Nursery (SCN). The SCN is an off limits area only parents of admitted babies are allowed in. It is not an area that you can waltz into. I stood at the door of the SCN waiting for someone to notice me.
It was busy in there. Two midwives helped the NETS team (they transport preterm and sick babies to other hospitals)work on a tiny baby. I was mesmerized watching them. I openly gawked as I watch all they were doing from my distant position at the door.
Finally, I was noticed and sent quickly on my way with my shields in hand. As I walked slowly down the corridor and back to my room I thanked God that the baby was not my baby. I thanked God none of my babies had ever been in the SCN. I thank God for the beautiful healthy children I had.
Two years ago today, I sat in hospital remembering the scene. I prayed to God. This time I asked him to let it be me.
Please let that be the outcome for me I prayed. Please let my baby be born at an age that the doctors and nurses can help her. Please give me have a few more weeks of pregnancy because if I don't make it to 24 weeks my baby will surely die.
So two years ago today I began the wait for my baby. Two years ago today I started my side trip of learning what surrender truly means.
Cathryn
This is normally pretty exciting news to be told when you're pregnant especially if you're 37 weeks pregnant. It isn't exciting news to be told when you're only just over 19 weeks pregnant.
I watch the boom gate come down on my life. I was admitted into hospital that afternoon to try and add as many hours, days and weeks as I could onto my pregnancy.
I was on strict bed rest and was to stay in hospital until my baby was born.
At some stage on my first afternoon in hospital I recalled after the birth of my fourth child I'd needed to purchase shields for feeding. To do this I had to go the Special Care Nursery (SCN). The SCN is an off limits area only parents of admitted babies are allowed in. It is not an area that you can waltz into. I stood at the door of the SCN waiting for someone to notice me.
It was busy in there. Two midwives helped the NETS team (they transport preterm and sick babies to other hospitals)work on a tiny baby. I was mesmerized watching them. I openly gawked as I watch all they were doing from my distant position at the door.
Finally, I was noticed and sent quickly on my way with my shields in hand. As I walked slowly down the corridor and back to my room I thanked God that the baby was not my baby. I thanked God none of my babies had ever been in the SCN. I thank God for the beautiful healthy children I had.
Two years ago today, I sat in hospital remembering the scene. I prayed to God. This time I asked him to let it be me.
Please let that be the outcome for me I prayed. Please let my baby be born at an age that the doctors and nurses can help her. Please give me have a few more weeks of pregnancy because if I don't make it to 24 weeks my baby will surely die.
So two years ago today I began the wait for my baby. Two years ago today I started my side trip of learning what surrender truly means.
Cathryn
Monday, February 22, 2010
Human Milk for Human Babies
The Mothers Milk Bank urgently needs $50000 by the end of this month! Please consider donating!!!
When I had Tia I sat for seven days pumping milk off every four hours for Tia. I thought I was doing well when I got 10ml. On the seventh day the lactation consultant came and suggested I start medication as my milk may not come in on its own after my traumatic birth. I was a bit stunned as I had never had troubles with my milk and usually had enough to feed three babies. I asked for one more day as putting yet more medicine in my body didn't appeal to me. The next morning I received a blessing of 100ml in the bottle when I pumped off. My milk had come in on its own!
A few days later I comprehended how lucky I had been. I watch another mother in the Special Care Nursery cry her tears of loss as she conceded defeat. After her traumatic birth, where she had nearly died on the theatre table, her milk was not going to come in. The medication had not worked, no amount of expressing was bringing her milk in plus her baby was too small to suck, she would never experience the bond of breastfeeding her tiny premmie baby.
As Tia received more and more of my milk she started to gain weight and slowly but surely began to thrive. The other tiny premmie was doing well but not as well as if he was being breastfeed.
The government is not interested in helping the milk bank as they want to be seen as promoting breastfeeding!!! and feel the bank takes away from this???? I will not say anymore about this....ggrrrrr
Around Australia hundreds of unwell and premature babies don't receive their mothers milk for various reasons. This is were the Mothers Milk Bank comes into play so these babies who really need it can get human milk to give them the best start in life. At the moment the milk bank is feeding an unwell baby who was early and his mother is undergoing chemotherapy so can't breastfeed him. If the don't raise $50000 this week the bank will lose their important pasteurising machine!
So please donate and think of all these little babies and their mums on Friday 26th February!
I will be wearing a white shirt on Friday, will you?
Cathryn
Here is the link
When I had Tia I sat for seven days pumping milk off every four hours for Tia. I thought I was doing well when I got 10ml. On the seventh day the lactation consultant came and suggested I start medication as my milk may not come in on its own after my traumatic birth. I was a bit stunned as I had never had troubles with my milk and usually had enough to feed three babies. I asked for one more day as putting yet more medicine in my body didn't appeal to me. The next morning I received a blessing of 100ml in the bottle when I pumped off. My milk had come in on its own!
A few days later I comprehended how lucky I had been. I watch another mother in the Special Care Nursery cry her tears of loss as she conceded defeat. After her traumatic birth, where she had nearly died on the theatre table, her milk was not going to come in. The medication had not worked, no amount of expressing was bringing her milk in plus her baby was too small to suck, she would never experience the bond of breastfeeding her tiny premmie baby.
As Tia received more and more of my milk she started to gain weight and slowly but surely began to thrive. The other tiny premmie was doing well but not as well as if he was being breastfeed.
The government is not interested in helping the milk bank as they want to be seen as promoting breastfeeding!!! and feel the bank takes away from this???? I will not say anymore about this....ggrrrrr
Around Australia hundreds of unwell and premature babies don't receive their mothers milk for various reasons. This is were the Mothers Milk Bank comes into play so these babies who really need it can get human milk to give them the best start in life. At the moment the milk bank is feeding an unwell baby who was early and his mother is undergoing chemotherapy so can't breastfeed him. If the don't raise $50000 this week the bank will lose their important pasteurising machine!
So please donate and think of all these little babies and their mums on Friday 26th February!
I will be wearing a white shirt on Friday, will you?
Cathryn
Here is the link
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Music and Life
I spent yesterday afternoon uploading new songs onto my iPod. I haven't uploaded anything for two years. I have started back running again and have been using it again.
As I pounded along to the Chemical Bros, Good Charlotte, Black Eyed Peas and Match Box 20 I realised it was time for an update. These guys are still great for running but some fresh stuff was needed. Thinking about what I could download I realised how important music can be.
In hospital I only used my iPod in the middle of the night. I would plug the iPod into my ears and pull the covers over my head so the music could transport me away.I didn't have an efficient way of updating songs so I saved my iPod as my sanctuary for when I awoke in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep. My favourites were Dido and other tortured artist crying about love lost and injured hearts.
During the day in hospital I'd listen to the radio. Even now, different songs I heard a lot of then can transport back to my hospital room. 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol used to mellow me out. I'd lie on my bed and wish for Frank to be lying with me so we could forget the world together. So often in that room I felt I'd been forgotten by the world. I felt so alone.
Since my return home listening to my iPod has been a bit of a luxury. As tempting as it is to plug my ears against the noise of the kids sometimes, it isn't something I get to do that often. In a rare moment I have been found bouncing around to George Michael's 'Amazing' for a bit of self gratitude and motivating myself with Gwen Stefani's "What You Waiting For" so I can take a chance that I might grow! Though I am still waiting for my million dollar contract- it isn't far away I'm sure!
Every now and then a song sneaks up on me and takes on a meaning in my life. As I woke from the anaesthetic after delivering Tia a song was pulling me to consciousness. It was Pete Murray singing 'Pick Me Up'. It puzzled me for months why I had this song going on in my mind that day until I read the lyrics.
You saved me
Like you somehow owed me
Passion now flowing through my veins
Breathless days
I'd sit alone in silence
You brought me sun
And took away the rain
Honestly it's not a phase
Now I stand
Where before I couldn't raise
Even a smile just to get me through the day
You pick me up
You pick me up
These words reflect so many aspects of Tia arriving in my life. Mainly at my lowest points of my sidetrip it was Tia who got me through.
Music is great! It is like another form of communication. I can't sing or play an instrument. I am known to have some good moves on the dance floor after a couple of wines. I am not a music fanatic but I see music as a reflection of my life.
So tell me, what tunes move you?
Any suggestions from the last two years for me to add to my iPod?
:) Cathryn
Monday, February 1, 2010
Priorities.......
At the moment my life is full of priorities. My plate is overflowing. How is it that others appear effortless in life and while others are constantly floundering around?
Today I have prioritized. Today was a start date (I hope you are noticing I am focusing on today)and I awoke with a plan. Very simple steps to get through the day. It goes like this-
1. Correspondence- emails, Facebook, twitter
2. Clean house- blah!
3. Prepare for cottage cleaners-you're thinking why don't they clean my house?
4. Blog- doing well because here I am!
5. Exercise- I have to do it as I am planning on running the City to Surf.
6. Time with kids- they want to play tennis this afternoon.
7. Work on my book- I hope I can keep my eyes open by then lol
Of course, this is intermingled with the rest of my life which includes feeding and caring for my family plus running a business.
So is this going to work for me?
Will I be effortless or flounder?
I guess only time will tell :)
Cathryn
Today I have prioritized. Today was a start date (I hope you are noticing I am focusing on today)and I awoke with a plan. Very simple steps to get through the day. It goes like this-
1. Correspondence- emails, Facebook, twitter
2. Clean house- blah!
3. Prepare for cottage cleaners-you're thinking why don't they clean my house?
4. Blog- doing well because here I am!
5. Exercise- I have to do it as I am planning on running the City to Surf.
6. Time with kids- they want to play tennis this afternoon.
7. Work on my book- I hope I can keep my eyes open by then lol
Of course, this is intermingled with the rest of my life which includes feeding and caring for my family plus running a business.
So is this going to work for me?
Will I be effortless or flounder?
I guess only time will tell :)
Cathryn
Friday, January 15, 2010
I can't say that anymore!
We are having a very busy time with our bless-ed kids on school holidays, our holiday cottages and a delightful stream of friends coming through our door to visit us!
But this is what I have found.
In the last two weeks I found these words come out of my mouth.
'Last year before/when/after I was in hospital....'
With this, concern would cross over my friend's faces as they think I have been ill again at some time.
'Oh, I can't say that anymore,'I correct myself.
Last year is 2009 and no longer 2008.
I remember my life by who I was pregnant with, who was a baby, who was being breastfed and what stage of schooling whoever was at. The last twelve years of my life is mapped out by my five beautiful bless-ed children. I can pinpoint the year by all of my precious markers.
Tia's presence marker is no longer last year in my life! Oddly with this, I feel a strange mix of emotion. The realisation of time moving on and all things healing. This marker is slipping into the past and part of me doesn't want it go. It was one of the most significant years of my life!
But mostly it means that Tia is growing up! At least once a day, I watch her in awe as she does something amazing. It creates an ache in my heart which is tainted with what may not have been. We love her so much and can't imagine our world without her.
Tia is my fifth marker in my life and she is a huge marker at that. But it is no longer last year.
I can't say last year when Tia came into our life. I can't say that anymore and it is making a little part of my heart break......
Cathryn
But this is what I have found.
In the last two weeks I found these words come out of my mouth.
'Last year before/when/after I was in hospital....'
With this, concern would cross over my friend's faces as they think I have been ill again at some time.
'Oh, I can't say that anymore,'I correct myself.
Last year is 2009 and no longer 2008.
I remember my life by who I was pregnant with, who was a baby, who was being breastfed and what stage of schooling whoever was at. The last twelve years of my life is mapped out by my five beautiful bless-ed children. I can pinpoint the year by all of my precious markers.
Tia's presence marker is no longer last year in my life! Oddly with this, I feel a strange mix of emotion. The realisation of time moving on and all things healing. This marker is slipping into the past and part of me doesn't want it go. It was one of the most significant years of my life!
But mostly it means that Tia is growing up! At least once a day, I watch her in awe as she does something amazing. It creates an ache in my heart which is tainted with what may not have been. We love her so much and can't imagine our world without her.
Tia is my fifth marker in my life and she is a huge marker at that. But it is no longer last year.
I can't say last year when Tia came into our life. I can't say that anymore and it is making a little part of my heart break......
Cathryn
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Do you remember you?
I've been writing my book this week. I am at the stage in my book when I am in hospital and find I am becoming a very good observer of the world.
After sitting in hospital for a couple of months I am totally up to date on news, current affairs, Hollywood gossip,and latest fashion trends.I'm even interested in the weather though it has no affect on my life other than the days my bless-ed family visits. If it is sunny I get to go outside in a wheelchair otherwise I have to remain indoors for another week.
One day I am so current I surprise my sister by ringing her at work to ask if she is alright.
'Why wouldn't I be?' she asked.
'Well,the building next door to you is on fire and on the news!'
So I am writing about this and notice I am not only observing through the media but I am starting to notice other's behaviour especially Frank's. I start admiring him for his ability to still practise self care.
Here is a man whose wife is in hospital, he has four children to care for, a business to run, a farm to manage and a job. Yet he is self loving enough to squeeze in a surf with mates, time for meditation, coffee with friends,and going to footy matches even if he has a couple of kids in tow. Frank believes (and still does) that he deserves this time and has quickly learnt how to ask others to help him to achieve all this.
Not saying that Frank didn't struggle at times. There were times when he and the kids were visiting I thought he looked ready to collapse. But even though he was the sole care giver (with lots of helpers) he managed to take time for himself.
This week I read a blog by a first time mum who says she refuses to loose herself to motherhood. Yes, easily said by a first time mum. Add a couple more kids, a job and a house and she may find bits of herself slipping away. But I think she will do it as she acknowledges we women allow ourselves disappear. She is aware.
So in my writing this week I am reminded to take time for me, to ask for help and do all that I love.
To simply remember me.
Cathryn
After sitting in hospital for a couple of months I am totally up to date on news, current affairs, Hollywood gossip,and latest fashion trends.I'm even interested in the weather though it has no affect on my life other than the days my bless-ed family visits. If it is sunny I get to go outside in a wheelchair otherwise I have to remain indoors for another week.
One day I am so current I surprise my sister by ringing her at work to ask if she is alright.
'Why wouldn't I be?' she asked.
'Well,the building next door to you is on fire and on the news!'
So I am writing about this and notice I am not only observing through the media but I am starting to notice other's behaviour especially Frank's. I start admiring him for his ability to still practise self care.
Here is a man whose wife is in hospital, he has four children to care for, a business to run, a farm to manage and a job. Yet he is self loving enough to squeeze in a surf with mates, time for meditation, coffee with friends,and going to footy matches even if he has a couple of kids in tow. Frank believes (and still does) that he deserves this time and has quickly learnt how to ask others to help him to achieve all this.
Not saying that Frank didn't struggle at times. There were times when he and the kids were visiting I thought he looked ready to collapse. But even though he was the sole care giver (with lots of helpers) he managed to take time for himself.
This week I read a blog by a first time mum who says she refuses to loose herself to motherhood. Yes, easily said by a first time mum. Add a couple more kids, a job and a house and she may find bits of herself slipping away. But I think she will do it as she acknowledges we women allow ourselves disappear. She is aware.
So in my writing this week I am reminded to take time for me, to ask for help and do all that I love.
To simply remember me.
Cathryn
Monday, January 4, 2010
Don't ask me where I have been!
I haven't been anywhere or done anything all week. I have just been home with my bless-ed hubby and kids.
Well, we went out for New Years of course. I was so excited about the New Year. I had so many thoughts and plans for 2010.It is funny how one day, New Years day, can make you look back at where you have been and forward to where you want to go.
I had been itching for the New Year. I was going to do this and going to to do that in The New Year. As soon as it began, I was gonna, gonna, gonna!
Four days in and I felt like I was still in last year. I hadn't achieved anything. Had I put too much pressure on myself?
I'd been wandering around like a lost soul. Pondering my lack of ommpphh. Thinking about last year and thinking about this year. I'd even made a 'vision' board (I call mine a 'sidetrip' board) of where I wanted to go.
I had been waiting, waiting, waiting for it to happen.
Nothing had happened.
Today, I finally took the old calender off the wall. I flicked through the pictures on it and read the captions below. One caption spoke to me.
'The first rule of focus is this: wherever you are, be there" Author Unknown
These words reminded me of New Years Eve when the moon was large and full over the Valley. I stood and looked at this glorious moon and let its beams fill me with belief and excitement for the New Year. As I stood looking at the moon I stilled myself and soaked up the moment wanting to remember the night when 2010 arrived.
As I remembered New Years Eve, I closed my eyes and pictured the moon hanging over the Valley bathing me in it's reflective light. I then realised why I was lacking my ommpphh. Too much looking back and too much looking forward. I need to focus on where I am.
I need to let the New Year unfold, one moment, one minute, one hour, one day, one week and one month at a time.
So here I am.
I trust it will be a fabulous New Year, not only for me but for you too!
Cathryn xo
Well, we went out for New Years of course. I was so excited about the New Year. I had so many thoughts and plans for 2010.It is funny how one day, New Years day, can make you look back at where you have been and forward to where you want to go.
I had been itching for the New Year. I was going to do this and going to to do that in The New Year. As soon as it began, I was gonna, gonna, gonna!
Four days in and I felt like I was still in last year. I hadn't achieved anything. Had I put too much pressure on myself?
I'd been wandering around like a lost soul. Pondering my lack of ommpphh. Thinking about last year and thinking about this year. I'd even made a 'vision' board (I call mine a 'sidetrip' board) of where I wanted to go.
I had been waiting, waiting, waiting for it to happen.
Nothing had happened.
Today, I finally took the old calender off the wall. I flicked through the pictures on it and read the captions below. One caption spoke to me.
'The first rule of focus is this: wherever you are, be there" Author Unknown
These words reminded me of New Years Eve when the moon was large and full over the Valley. I stood and looked at this glorious moon and let its beams fill me with belief and excitement for the New Year. As I stood looking at the moon I stilled myself and soaked up the moment wanting to remember the night when 2010 arrived.
As I remembered New Years Eve, I closed my eyes and pictured the moon hanging over the Valley bathing me in it's reflective light. I then realised why I was lacking my ommpphh. Too much looking back and too much looking forward. I need to focus on where I am.
I need to let the New Year unfold, one moment, one minute, one hour, one day, one week and one month at a time.
So here I am.
I trust it will be a fabulous New Year, not only for me but for you too!
Cathryn xo
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