Goodbye Grandma

Last July I wrote this about my grandmother. Yesterday she peacefully left our world. Wonderfully we take comfort in the fact that she is now reunited with her beloved Ned. We'll all miss her.

16th July 2010

I've just returned from visiting my parents. My mother has recently had the task of placing my 93 year old grandmother into a nursing home. As you can imagine it is an emotional experience.

My grandmother is one of the most stubborn people I know. Her husband passed away in the early 70's and she has lived on her own ever since. I can't begin to tell you about how many times my grandmother should have passed away. From being run over on a pedestrian crossing,to putting her car through the side of a church until the last major threat a stroke in 1988 which we were all called home to say our goodbyes. Here we are finally putting her into care after years of independence. When I was at school a boy who lived in her street called her house the Botanical Garden of Junction Street. This made me secretly proud of her even though I said how embarrassing at the time. Grandma loved her garden and I think this is what has kept her alive.

So one afternoon during my visit this week I found myself with a sleeping Bless-ed Tia in my arms sitting with my grandmother. It was a whole new experience as we sat together. It was very quiet and with the age that my grandmother is the conversation went around in circles for a little while and then the conversation petered out. I was desperately avoiding conversation about her old home and had to keep snapping my mouth shut from asking if she liked her new one.

So we sat in the quiet for a while. I looked at my grandmother. I mean I really looked at her. For the first time I saw her age. You know how when you're a kid everyone over 40 is old looking. But this time I looked at her and the saw her real age. I surveyed the room and began measuring it in my my mind. Yes, definitely bigger than my hospital room not much but bigger. I surveyed the room her life had been reduced to. It was simply now one room with a bathroom instead of a house and beautiful garden. I looked at the photos of her old garden on the wall. I looked back to my grandmother.

In her eyes was a reflection of part me. Her eyes spoke of vulnerability and uneasiest. I recognised the look in her eyes. Here I am in this room her eyes said. This is what my life is now and I don't know what the future holds for me. In that instant I felt compassion for my grandmother on a level I'd never felt before. I closed my eyes, gently rocked Tia and let the emotion of the moment sink in.

The next day I realised I'd left my sunglasses at my grandmothers and rushed into her room to grab them before we came home. I felt the excitement from her of another visitor but I was quickly in and out of the home. As we drove off I could see her standing at the window trying to catch a glimpse of us. I waved and encouraged the kids to wave. Grandma spotted us and waved back. A lonely figure standing at the window. A little lady, frail from age and life who has a heart of a lion.

I'm so glad that our last memory is of her standing at her window waving goodbye. So appreciative that I got to spend a peaceful hour with her and recognised all that she was.

Goodbye Grandma.

If the feisty zeal for life that Bless-ed Tia has came from you. She's going to live a long and wonderful life <3

Cathryn

Let's breathe.............

As mothers we face daily ups and downs. Our beautiful loving child can become a screaming terror in seconds, our neat, clean and tidy home can be demolished to rubble in a blink of an eye and we can fall into bed so tired at the end of the day that the next time we open our eyes we wonder where the night has gone and how are we going to get up to do it again.

I've been attending a meditation group lately. One of the helpful things I've learnt are breathing exercises. I found this practice at www.beliefnet.com. It is derived from the Buddhist belief. It is as simple as breathing in and out and thinking or saying the words.Tonglen is a practice of compassion. In order to have compassion for ourselves we need to cultivate it for others. You take in the difficult parts of mothering for yourself and for all other mothers send out love and compassion.

Tonglen for Mothers

I breathe in the daily frustrations

small as they are, big as they can seem

I breathe out patience for us all.


I breathe in the loneliness

of days spent mothering on our own

I breathe out connection

community, compassion.


I breathe in the brokenness

not being enough in the world

I breathe out wholeness

leaving ideals behind, truth.


I breathe in the boredom

diapers, cooking, same every day

I breathe out simple pleasure

swings, finger painting, rocks.


I breathe in the exhaustion,

the worry, the fear

I breathe out the calm energy, excitement.


I breathe in the rage

at your plight, your place, your life

I breathe out peace

contentment, courage.


- DeLona Campos-Davis

A small amount of breathing and being still can lead to a whole lot of calm, peace and contentment.

So next time the going gets tough or you find yourself in a happy moment remember to breathe :)

Wishing you happy days,

Cathryn

Let's Get Physical!

One of the hardest things I had to come to terms with after my hospitalisation and complications was my loss of physical health. I had literally wasted away. After Tia's birth a walk to the hospital cafeteria and back was enough to put me back to bed for a couple of hours.

Fortunately, I built up walking quite quickly but in reality when I first came home I could only look after Tia and myself. For weeks anything beyond this was simply out of my reach.

Last year I took the motto 'Be kind to yourself' to heart. I let my body recuperate. This year I've endeavoured to get back to where I was. My aim has been to run the Sydney City to Surf again. I'd done this a couple of months before Tia was conceived.

I didn't really get back to running until April this year. Within weeks I realised the City to Surf may be out of my reach. My body is not the same. I've lost strength in areas I'd never realised. Running is no longer fluid for me. It is now a tight and strained action. It takes willpower and concentration to move. Sometimes after a run I feel great and other times my body screams in protest for days afterwards.

Why do I persist?

Because these circumstances will change. This situation will pass.

As my need to cry over the loss of my fitness and my inability to function has passed. My struggle to run as I did will diminish.

It is your ability to view the situation and to hold on to what is really important and let go of what isn't that is the key to rising to the challenges you face.

So I will continue getting out there. Run with joy in my heart and meet the challenges as they arise.

Yesterday, I had to sprint to the line to secure my place. The competitor is still inisde me. It didn't matter to me that I was battling it out for 33rd place.

I've come a long way to be able to finish in that position ;)


Cathryn