We are having a very busy time with our bless-ed kids on school holidays, our holiday cottages and a delightful stream of friends coming through our door to visit us!
But this is what I have found.
In the last two weeks I found these words come out of my mouth.
'Last year before/when/after I was in hospital....'
With this, concern would cross over my friend's faces as they think I have been ill again at some time.
'Oh, I can't say that anymore,'I correct myself.
Last year is 2009 and no longer 2008.
I remember my life by who I was pregnant with, who was a baby, who was being breastfed and what stage of schooling whoever was at. The last twelve years of my life is mapped out by my five beautiful bless-ed children. I can pinpoint the year by all of my precious markers.
Tia's presence marker is no longer last year in my life! Oddly with this, I feel a strange mix of emotion. The realisation of time moving on and all things healing. This marker is slipping into the past and part of me doesn't want it go. It was one of the most significant years of my life!
But mostly it means that Tia is growing up! At least once a day, I watch her in awe as she does something amazing. It creates an ache in my heart which is tainted with what may not have been. We love her so much and can't imagine our world without her.
Tia is my fifth marker in my life and she is a huge marker at that. But it is no longer last year.
I can't say last year when Tia came into our life. I can't say that anymore and it is making a little part of my heart break......
Cathryn
Friday, January 15, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Do you remember you?
I've been writing my book this week. I am at the stage in my book when I am in hospital and find I am becoming a very good observer of the world.
After sitting in hospital for a couple of months I am totally up to date on news, current affairs, Hollywood gossip,and latest fashion trends.I'm even interested in the weather though it has no affect on my life other than the days my bless-ed family visits. If it is sunny I get to go outside in a wheelchair otherwise I have to remain indoors for another week.
One day I am so current I surprise my sister by ringing her at work to ask if she is alright.
'Why wouldn't I be?' she asked.
'Well,the building next door to you is on fire and on the news!'
So I am writing about this and notice I am not only observing through the media but I am starting to notice other's behaviour especially Frank's. I start admiring him for his ability to still practise self care.
Here is a man whose wife is in hospital, he has four children to care for, a business to run, a farm to manage and a job. Yet he is self loving enough to squeeze in a surf with mates, time for meditation, coffee with friends,and going to footy matches even if he has a couple of kids in tow. Frank believes (and still does) that he deserves this time and has quickly learnt how to ask others to help him to achieve all this.
Not saying that Frank didn't struggle at times. There were times when he and the kids were visiting I thought he looked ready to collapse. But even though he was the sole care giver (with lots of helpers) he managed to take time for himself.
This week I read a blog by a first time mum who says she refuses to loose herself to motherhood. Yes, easily said by a first time mum. Add a couple more kids, a job and a house and she may find bits of herself slipping away. But I think she will do it as she acknowledges we women allow ourselves disappear. She is aware.
So in my writing this week I am reminded to take time for me, to ask for help and do all that I love.
To simply remember me.
Cathryn
After sitting in hospital for a couple of months I am totally up to date on news, current affairs, Hollywood gossip,and latest fashion trends.I'm even interested in the weather though it has no affect on my life other than the days my bless-ed family visits. If it is sunny I get to go outside in a wheelchair otherwise I have to remain indoors for another week.
One day I am so current I surprise my sister by ringing her at work to ask if she is alright.
'Why wouldn't I be?' she asked.
'Well,the building next door to you is on fire and on the news!'
So I am writing about this and notice I am not only observing through the media but I am starting to notice other's behaviour especially Frank's. I start admiring him for his ability to still practise self care.
Here is a man whose wife is in hospital, he has four children to care for, a business to run, a farm to manage and a job. Yet he is self loving enough to squeeze in a surf with mates, time for meditation, coffee with friends,and going to footy matches even if he has a couple of kids in tow. Frank believes (and still does) that he deserves this time and has quickly learnt how to ask others to help him to achieve all this.
Not saying that Frank didn't struggle at times. There were times when he and the kids were visiting I thought he looked ready to collapse. But even though he was the sole care giver (with lots of helpers) he managed to take time for himself.
This week I read a blog by a first time mum who says she refuses to loose herself to motherhood. Yes, easily said by a first time mum. Add a couple more kids, a job and a house and she may find bits of herself slipping away. But I think she will do it as she acknowledges we women allow ourselves disappear. She is aware.
So in my writing this week I am reminded to take time for me, to ask for help and do all that I love.
To simply remember me.
Cathryn
Monday, January 4, 2010
Don't ask me where I have been!
I haven't been anywhere or done anything all week. I have just been home with my bless-ed hubby and kids.
Well, we went out for New Years of course. I was so excited about the New Year. I had so many thoughts and plans for 2010.It is funny how one day, New Years day, can make you look back at where you have been and forward to where you want to go.
I had been itching for the New Year. I was going to do this and going to to do that in The New Year. As soon as it began, I was gonna, gonna, gonna!
Four days in and I felt like I was still in last year. I hadn't achieved anything. Had I put too much pressure on myself?
I'd been wandering around like a lost soul. Pondering my lack of ommpphh. Thinking about last year and thinking about this year. I'd even made a 'vision' board (I call mine a 'sidetrip' board) of where I wanted to go.
I had been waiting, waiting, waiting for it to happen.
Nothing had happened.
Today, I finally took the old calender off the wall. I flicked through the pictures on it and read the captions below. One caption spoke to me.
'The first rule of focus is this: wherever you are, be there" Author Unknown
These words reminded me of New Years Eve when the moon was large and full over the Valley. I stood and looked at this glorious moon and let its beams fill me with belief and excitement for the New Year. As I stood looking at the moon I stilled myself and soaked up the moment wanting to remember the night when 2010 arrived.
As I remembered New Years Eve, I closed my eyes and pictured the moon hanging over the Valley bathing me in it's reflective light. I then realised why I was lacking my ommpphh. Too much looking back and too much looking forward. I need to focus on where I am.
I need to let the New Year unfold, one moment, one minute, one hour, one day, one week and one month at a time.
So here I am.
I trust it will be a fabulous New Year, not only for me but for you too!
Cathryn xo
Well, we went out for New Years of course. I was so excited about the New Year. I had so many thoughts and plans for 2010.It is funny how one day, New Years day, can make you look back at where you have been and forward to where you want to go.
I had been itching for the New Year. I was going to do this and going to to do that in The New Year. As soon as it began, I was gonna, gonna, gonna!
Four days in and I felt like I was still in last year. I hadn't achieved anything. Had I put too much pressure on myself?
I'd been wandering around like a lost soul. Pondering my lack of ommpphh. Thinking about last year and thinking about this year. I'd even made a 'vision' board (I call mine a 'sidetrip' board) of where I wanted to go.
I had been waiting, waiting, waiting for it to happen.
Nothing had happened.
Today, I finally took the old calender off the wall. I flicked through the pictures on it and read the captions below. One caption spoke to me.
'The first rule of focus is this: wherever you are, be there" Author Unknown
These words reminded me of New Years Eve when the moon was large and full over the Valley. I stood and looked at this glorious moon and let its beams fill me with belief and excitement for the New Year. As I stood looking at the moon I stilled myself and soaked up the moment wanting to remember the night when 2010 arrived.
As I remembered New Years Eve, I closed my eyes and pictured the moon hanging over the Valley bathing me in it's reflective light. I then realised why I was lacking my ommpphh. Too much looking back and too much looking forward. I need to focus on where I am.
I need to let the New Year unfold, one moment, one minute, one hour, one day, one week and one month at a time.
So here I am.
I trust it will be a fabulous New Year, not only for me but for you too!
Cathryn xo
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