We are having a very busy time with our bless-ed kids on school holidays, our holiday cottages and a delightful stream of friends coming through our door to visit us!
But this is what I have found.
In the last two weeks I found these words come out of my mouth.
'Last year before/when/after I was in hospital....'
With this, concern would cross over my friend's faces as they think I have been ill again at some time.
'Oh, I can't say that anymore,'I correct myself.
Last year is 2009 and no longer 2008.
I remember my life by who I was pregnant with, who was a baby, who was being breastfed and what stage of schooling whoever was at. The last twelve years of my life is mapped out by my five beautiful bless-ed children. I can pinpoint the year by all of my precious markers.
Tia's presence marker is no longer last year in my life! Oddly with this, I feel a strange mix of emotion. The realisation of time moving on and all things healing. This marker is slipping into the past and part of me doesn't want it go. It was one of the most significant years of my life!
But mostly it means that Tia is growing up! At least once a day, I watch her in awe as she does something amazing. It creates an ache in my heart which is tainted with what may not have been. We love her so much and can't imagine our world without her.
Tia is my fifth marker in my life and she is a huge marker at that. But it is no longer last year.
I can't say last year when Tia came into our life. I can't say that anymore and it is making a little part of my heart break......
Cathryn
Friday, January 15, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Do you remember you?
I've been writing my book this week. I am at the stage in my book when I am in hospital and find I am becoming a very good observer of the world.
After sitting in hospital for a couple of months I am totally up to date on news, current affairs, Hollywood gossip,and latest fashion trends.I'm even interested in the weather though it has no affect on my life other than the days my bless-ed family visits. If it is sunny I get to go outside in a wheelchair otherwise I have to remain indoors for another week.
One day I am so current I surprise my sister by ringing her at work to ask if she is alright.
'Why wouldn't I be?' she asked.
'Well,the building next door to you is on fire and on the news!'
So I am writing about this and notice I am not only observing through the media but I am starting to notice other's behaviour especially Frank's. I start admiring him for his ability to still practise self care.
Here is a man whose wife is in hospital, he has four children to care for, a business to run, a farm to manage and a job. Yet he is self loving enough to squeeze in a surf with mates, time for meditation, coffee with friends,and going to footy matches even if he has a couple of kids in tow. Frank believes (and still does) that he deserves this time and has quickly learnt how to ask others to help him to achieve all this.
Not saying that Frank didn't struggle at times. There were times when he and the kids were visiting I thought he looked ready to collapse. But even though he was the sole care giver (with lots of helpers) he managed to take time for himself.
This week I read a blog by a first time mum who says she refuses to loose herself to motherhood. Yes, easily said by a first time mum. Add a couple more kids, a job and a house and she may find bits of herself slipping away. But I think she will do it as she acknowledges we women allow ourselves disappear. She is aware.
So in my writing this week I am reminded to take time for me, to ask for help and do all that I love.
To simply remember me.
Cathryn
After sitting in hospital for a couple of months I am totally up to date on news, current affairs, Hollywood gossip,and latest fashion trends.I'm even interested in the weather though it has no affect on my life other than the days my bless-ed family visits. If it is sunny I get to go outside in a wheelchair otherwise I have to remain indoors for another week.
One day I am so current I surprise my sister by ringing her at work to ask if she is alright.
'Why wouldn't I be?' she asked.
'Well,the building next door to you is on fire and on the news!'
So I am writing about this and notice I am not only observing through the media but I am starting to notice other's behaviour especially Frank's. I start admiring him for his ability to still practise self care.
Here is a man whose wife is in hospital, he has four children to care for, a business to run, a farm to manage and a job. Yet he is self loving enough to squeeze in a surf with mates, time for meditation, coffee with friends,and going to footy matches even if he has a couple of kids in tow. Frank believes (and still does) that he deserves this time and has quickly learnt how to ask others to help him to achieve all this.
Not saying that Frank didn't struggle at times. There were times when he and the kids were visiting I thought he looked ready to collapse. But even though he was the sole care giver (with lots of helpers) he managed to take time for himself.
This week I read a blog by a first time mum who says she refuses to loose herself to motherhood. Yes, easily said by a first time mum. Add a couple more kids, a job and a house and she may find bits of herself slipping away. But I think she will do it as she acknowledges we women allow ourselves disappear. She is aware.
So in my writing this week I am reminded to take time for me, to ask for help and do all that I love.
To simply remember me.
Cathryn
Monday, January 4, 2010
Don't ask me where I have been!
I haven't been anywhere or done anything all week. I have just been home with my bless-ed hubby and kids.
Well, we went out for New Years of course. I was so excited about the New Year. I had so many thoughts and plans for 2010.It is funny how one day, New Years day, can make you look back at where you have been and forward to where you want to go.
I had been itching for the New Year. I was going to do this and going to to do that in The New Year. As soon as it began, I was gonna, gonna, gonna!
Four days in and I felt like I was still in last year. I hadn't achieved anything. Had I put too much pressure on myself?
I'd been wandering around like a lost soul. Pondering my lack of ommpphh. Thinking about last year and thinking about this year. I'd even made a 'vision' board (I call mine a 'sidetrip' board) of where I wanted to go.
I had been waiting, waiting, waiting for it to happen.
Nothing had happened.
Today, I finally took the old calender off the wall. I flicked through the pictures on it and read the captions below. One caption spoke to me.
'The first rule of focus is this: wherever you are, be there" Author Unknown
These words reminded me of New Years Eve when the moon was large and full over the Valley. I stood and looked at this glorious moon and let its beams fill me with belief and excitement for the New Year. As I stood looking at the moon I stilled myself and soaked up the moment wanting to remember the night when 2010 arrived.
As I remembered New Years Eve, I closed my eyes and pictured the moon hanging over the Valley bathing me in it's reflective light. I then realised why I was lacking my ommpphh. Too much looking back and too much looking forward. I need to focus on where I am.
I need to let the New Year unfold, one moment, one minute, one hour, one day, one week and one month at a time.
So here I am.
I trust it will be a fabulous New Year, not only for me but for you too!
Cathryn xo
Well, we went out for New Years of course. I was so excited about the New Year. I had so many thoughts and plans for 2010.It is funny how one day, New Years day, can make you look back at where you have been and forward to where you want to go.
I had been itching for the New Year. I was going to do this and going to to do that in The New Year. As soon as it began, I was gonna, gonna, gonna!
Four days in and I felt like I was still in last year. I hadn't achieved anything. Had I put too much pressure on myself?
I'd been wandering around like a lost soul. Pondering my lack of ommpphh. Thinking about last year and thinking about this year. I'd even made a 'vision' board (I call mine a 'sidetrip' board) of where I wanted to go.
I had been waiting, waiting, waiting for it to happen.
Nothing had happened.
Today, I finally took the old calender off the wall. I flicked through the pictures on it and read the captions below. One caption spoke to me.
'The first rule of focus is this: wherever you are, be there" Author Unknown
These words reminded me of New Years Eve when the moon was large and full over the Valley. I stood and looked at this glorious moon and let its beams fill me with belief and excitement for the New Year. As I stood looking at the moon I stilled myself and soaked up the moment wanting to remember the night when 2010 arrived.
As I remembered New Years Eve, I closed my eyes and pictured the moon hanging over the Valley bathing me in it's reflective light. I then realised why I was lacking my ommpphh. Too much looking back and too much looking forward. I need to focus on where I am.
I need to let the New Year unfold, one moment, one minute, one hour, one day, one week and one month at a time.
So here I am.
I trust it will be a fabulous New Year, not only for me but for you too!
Cathryn xo
Saturday, December 12, 2009
In My Daughter's Eyes
This song is so beautiful. I think it reflects the feelings of any mother and child.
In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes
And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes
"In My Daughters Eyes" by Martina McBride
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Hope- what is it?
Today I had one of those days where I felt on top of the world. My life is great!!!
Happy children, wonderful hubby, summer, Christmas. I think this is my favourite time of year.
As I strolled around the shops trying to put a dent in the Christmas shopping and cover the upcoming birthdays too (we still have kid's birthdays- two in December and one in January). I realised how happy I am.
This morning I pulled a Grace card and I got Mirror. At lunch time, I stood in the health food shop and listened to the shop assistant's story of her last child's birth and her three month stay in hospital. I shared snippets of my story but let her tell hers.
'We had no help, it was just me and my husband,'she told me,'We just made our way through it.He had to deal with the other three kids while I was away.'
'I told the doctors,' she said,'After all this I am not going to be asleep and I made them give me an epidural so I could see my baby be born.'
Seventeen years ago she was one of the first to have an epidural Cesarean.
As I walked away I realised the word hope had not been mentioned. The lady in the shop had got on with it and believed it would be alright in the end. The words hope and baby don't seem to go together.
It struck me the similarity in our stories and the word mirror came back to me. It reminded me of our last house where I had a sticker which read "Choose Hope" stuck on the mirror of the bedroom. Frank and I had many a chat about the sticker and what it meant. We came to the conclusion that faith or belief would be a better word as hope sounded like it lacked confidence.
It is belief, faith, possibly even a knowing that keeps you going. Hoping isn't going to get you there when it is real strength you are looking for.
So what is hope? Does hope contain a lack of belief?
I know when I was told by someone that they believed everything was going to turn out fine, I believed them. I felt strengthen by the words.
Whenever someone said they hoped everything would be okay, I was always left wondering if it would be.
Hope.
I am so glad I didn't choose it last year.
Believe and have faith.
Cathryn
Happy children, wonderful hubby, summer, Christmas. I think this is my favourite time of year.
As I strolled around the shops trying to put a dent in the Christmas shopping and cover the upcoming birthdays too (we still have kid's birthdays- two in December and one in January). I realised how happy I am.
This morning I pulled a Grace card and I got Mirror. At lunch time, I stood in the health food shop and listened to the shop assistant's story of her last child's birth and her three month stay in hospital. I shared snippets of my story but let her tell hers.
'We had no help, it was just me and my husband,'she told me,'We just made our way through it.He had to deal with the other three kids while I was away.'
'I told the doctors,' she said,'After all this I am not going to be asleep and I made them give me an epidural so I could see my baby be born.'
Seventeen years ago she was one of the first to have an epidural Cesarean.
As I walked away I realised the word hope had not been mentioned. The lady in the shop had got on with it and believed it would be alright in the end. The words hope and baby don't seem to go together.
It struck me the similarity in our stories and the word mirror came back to me. It reminded me of our last house where I had a sticker which read "Choose Hope" stuck on the mirror of the bedroom. Frank and I had many a chat about the sticker and what it meant. We came to the conclusion that faith or belief would be a better word as hope sounded like it lacked confidence.
It is belief, faith, possibly even a knowing that keeps you going. Hoping isn't going to get you there when it is real strength you are looking for.
So what is hope? Does hope contain a lack of belief?
I know when I was told by someone that they believed everything was going to turn out fine, I believed them. I felt strengthen by the words.
Whenever someone said they hoped everything would be okay, I was always left wondering if it would be.
Hope.
I am so glad I didn't choose it last year.
Believe and have faith.
Cathryn
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Community
Recently I had a conversation with a group of friends. The topic may seem strange but we were discussing what we would do if our partners died. When you have children it is something that crosses your mind every now and then. Amazingly, most of us said we would remain in The Valley with the kids on our own. Before last year I would not have said this, now I do. I know that the community around me would support me through thick and thin. I know what real communities do for each other.
I am not a 'group' type of person. I have a few close friends and many acquaintances. I traditionally have never 'belonged' to anything other than a gym.
Last year when my life hit crisis point, my family and I were in desperate need of help. Like most daughters I called upon my Mum who willing offered to help us whatever way she could. I figured this would be all the help we would get.
Of course the hospitalisation was the crisis. We decided we would muddle through and take it as it came. After only a few days we kept receiving persistent requests from a group of friends wanting to help us. They approached Frank and my Mum and a plan was hatched.
Slowly but surely a roster was built, volunteer after volunteer put up their hand to help. I asked if they realised what they were planning to do and how long they'd be doing it. The reply was relax all will be fine, don't worry we will do it.
Sitting in hospital I watched it unfold. This group of women took charge.Each time when my Mum went home for some much needed rest for a week or two, the roster ladies took control.
In the morning a lady would arrive and gather up the mountain of washing and take it home. In the evening she'd return with the laundry washed, dried and folded plus a freshly cooked dinner for my family as well.
Frank would tell me stories of how these women went out of their way to help us. A couple of times some put us first before their own families and needs.
I wondered how I would repay these ladies who had helped us at the time. On the roster were women I barely knew.
As I sat in my city hospital I knew if we lived there it would never have happened. My city visitors were struggling to just to visit me. Yet our community here in The Valley rallied around us and carried us through until I returned home. Tirelessly helping and never complaining.
The most beautiful part was there was only thank you was required. I am not indebted to my community, I do not need to repay but merely pay it forward. I know we were truly blessed by our community.
When I look outside my world and see and hear of other's lives and stories I know this is not always the case. On the Internet in the many connecting places where communities are formed, I find families struggling at their times of need. With cyber space as the only support.
Yes, we were truly blessed on the community help part of our side trip. I believe we should all pitch in when we can, even if it is a tiny little thing you find you can do, it will always be remembered.
That is what a community is all about.
Merry Christmas to all,
Cathryn xo
I am not a 'group' type of person. I have a few close friends and many acquaintances. I traditionally have never 'belonged' to anything other than a gym.
Last year when my life hit crisis point, my family and I were in desperate need of help. Like most daughters I called upon my Mum who willing offered to help us whatever way she could. I figured this would be all the help we would get.
Of course the hospitalisation was the crisis. We decided we would muddle through and take it as it came. After only a few days we kept receiving persistent requests from a group of friends wanting to help us. They approached Frank and my Mum and a plan was hatched.
Slowly but surely a roster was built, volunteer after volunteer put up their hand to help. I asked if they realised what they were planning to do and how long they'd be doing it. The reply was relax all will be fine, don't worry we will do it.
Sitting in hospital I watched it unfold. This group of women took charge.Each time when my Mum went home for some much needed rest for a week or two, the roster ladies took control.
In the morning a lady would arrive and gather up the mountain of washing and take it home. In the evening she'd return with the laundry washed, dried and folded plus a freshly cooked dinner for my family as well.
Frank would tell me stories of how these women went out of their way to help us. A couple of times some put us first before their own families and needs.
I wondered how I would repay these ladies who had helped us at the time. On the roster were women I barely knew.
As I sat in my city hospital I knew if we lived there it would never have happened. My city visitors were struggling to just to visit me. Yet our community here in The Valley rallied around us and carried us through until I returned home. Tirelessly helping and never complaining.
The most beautiful part was there was only thank you was required. I am not indebted to my community, I do not need to repay but merely pay it forward. I know we were truly blessed by our community.
When I look outside my world and see and hear of other's lives and stories I know this is not always the case. On the Internet in the many connecting places where communities are formed, I find families struggling at their times of need. With cyber space as the only support.
Yes, we were truly blessed on the community help part of our side trip. I believe we should all pitch in when we can, even if it is a tiny little thing you find you can do, it will always be remembered.
That is what a community is all about.
Merry Christmas to all,
Cathryn xo
Friday, November 20, 2009
G'DAY!
I'm blogging today! You've heard heaps from Mum so I thought I'd say hello today. I want to tell you a bit about me.
Yes, I was a bit of surprise for Mum and Dad, but I knew they'd love me so I came along anyway. I made sure they knew I was coming from the word go. Where I choose to land in Mum's womb was not ideal so I dug in and made myself comfy. Putting Mum in hospital for such along time wasn't the plan but that is how it happened. I think it ended with more positives than negatives.
Being welcomed to my family has been fabulous! The boys and Harmony love me and would do anything for me. I just need to cry and whine a bit ;)
I am lucky as I have no health issues that other premmies suffer from. My best friend she is an amazing girl too. She was born even younger than me. We love to hang out and watch our mums chat.
What do I love to do? I love to eat as you can see from my photo. I love the outdoors and will sneak out of the house any chance I get. I constantly say hello to people. I surprise people in the shops. They are always friendly back and I think we should say hello to each other more. I love laughing too. I get a real chuckle up and if you tickle my ribs I squeal in delight.
I'm pretty clever as I can climb things real easy. The other day I climbed up onto the toilet seat to play in the hand basin. It was fun playing in the water. Mum was happy the lid was down and I didn't fall in. She worries too much sometimes.
I have started to walk more now. I get real excited and I don't fall over too much. I finally worked out my knees were getting too sore from crawling.
My Dad is too cool. He was great last year looking after everyone. Dad uses words like love, blessings and forgiveness all the time. But when he talks about Mum he says she's his rock? I don't know what that is about.
I do know I am lucky to have them as my Bless-ed parents.
I asked Mum, Dad, the boys and Harms what words described me and this is what they said.
Cute, nice, fun, independent, cheeky, determined, resilient, clever, demanding, funny, cautious, jealous, loving, alert, penetrating presence.
I'm glad they only had mostly nice things to say!
Well, that is about it for today. I'll come back and tell you some more soon.
Nice to meet you all,
XO TIA
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